Not mine but God's Story

Sanctitiy of Human Life...will your pastor be talking

2012-01-21T06:08:00.000-08:00

Every week I have the opportunity to meet with women who might be facing an unplanned pregnancy. Let me be honest, it isn’t easy sitting across from a young lady who has already voiced that if she is pregnant, she will be getting an abortion. It seems to be an easy solution in a moment of uncertainty, not realize the destruction that will take place. As I sit across from her, this one thought keeps coming to me; if I can only connect with her then maybe she’ll change her mind. She doesn’t know that I’m praying, asking God to give me an opening so that I can share my story (God’s Story) with her.

As I think back on the day that I went to the clinic, the only life I saw was my own. I wanted to live. I had things to do, and people to see, just like her. My career has a dance teacher was growing and I wasn’t about to let anyone or anything get in my way. It was my life I wanted to save. It sounds pretty callous, but it always is when we look at ourselves. The abortion, I was told, promised to give me freedom but instead it held me captive. The nurse called it a procedure, as if I were having a mole removed.

We both sat there, making small talk, as she was waiting for the results. Within minutes the answer was clear. The test showed two lines, the test was positive. The room filled with a sort of awkwardness, as we both stared at the lines. That’s when I felt the familiar lump in my throat, and asks “How are you feeling?” The minute that rolled off my tongue I thought, “How are you feeling? You know exactly how she’s feeling. She is scared, confused and she has to make a decision on which life to save.”

Which life to save…. in the last 38 years every child that’s been born is a survivor. Every child that we see on the playground, in the mall or holding hands with a parent has been giving the opportunity to experience life. I know for some of you, abortion never crossed your mind but the fact is 50,000,000 babies have lost their lives to this question “Which life do I save?”

On January 22, we have an opportunity to speak out for the Sanctity of Human Life. I believe God wants us to speak the truth. The truth can be spoken with compassion and conviction. Jesus did, with the woman at the well. On Sunday, some churches will do all they can to bring awareness of how abortion has and is affecting us, while others will skim the surface hoping not to bring to much attention to a very controversial issue and I’m sad to say, there will even be churches that won’t mention “it” at all.

Adoption...are you kidding?

2011-11-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

A blank look appears on her face as her eyes focus on the two lines of her test, indicating that she’s pregnant. This wasn’t part of her life’s plan, well aleast not for today. She looked at me as if to say…what am I going to do? We talked about her options and that’s when I mention adoption.

She quickly responded …"No. I wouldn't do an adoption thing. If I'm going to carry this baby for 9 months, I'm not going to give it up! I don't want to have an abortion but I can’t have a baby, right now."

Baffling, isn't it? Yet, these words are proclaimed most of the time and I’m grateful, because it then opens a door for me to reply... "You're looking at someone whose birth mother decided to do the adoption thing and I’m grateful she let me live.”

My mother was just shy of 16 when she delivered me at our local hospital. She was alone and scared. She has told me many times that the young man, who was my dad, really loved her and wanted me; her parents, however, had forbidden him to have any contact with her. She also said that during her stay at the hospital, she heard him out in the hallway yelling “I want to see my baby girl. You can’t do this to me. She’s my daughter!” That was the last thing he said before he was escorted out of the hospital by the police officers.

Within a year of my birth, she met her future husband and became pregnant with my sister. The marriage didn’t last long. Like so many women, there she was… a single mother doing the best she knew how.

But reality finally set in when I was about 2 years old and my sister was 6 months. She knew love wouldn’t feed us, put clothes on our backs or a roof over our heads. She had to do something, so she agreed to place us in the welfare of a couple. A couple who promised to raise us as their own and they did!

I’ve never doubted her love or questioned how someone could do such a thing, my thought as always been…how could you not?

Of course, it was a hard decision for her to make, we’ve talked about it many times in person and over the phone. She frequently tells me… “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I wanted what was best for you, girls. I knew I couldn’t give you all the things you and your sister would need.” Everytime I hear those words, I tell her how thankful I am that she thought of us and I silently wispher "Thank you, LORD."

Sharing my story, doesn’t make anyone eager to sign on the dotted line for the adoption plan but my pray is… maybe one day some young lady will see the child’s life and not her own.

40 Days for Life

2011-09-12T06:09:00.000-07:00

As we walked behind the pizza shop to get to the abortion clinic, I couldn't believe that Sydney, my daughter, wanted to participate in a prayer vigil to end abortion, known as 40 Days for Life.

When I had decided to join the very first campaign that was being held in Vestal in 2010, never in my wildest dream did I think that Sydney would be standing next to me.

Why would she? It was at this clinic where I had my abortion before she was born that made my heart turn to stone.

It was over 20 years ago when I made the "decision" to trust my ways and not God's ways. At the time, I wasn't concern with the outcome. To be honest, I never thought that having an abortion would change anything except give ME the freedom to go on living MY LIFE. But I soon learned that taking one life didn't give me freedom, but caused my life to stand still, to be frozen at that very moment, when I walked out the door of the abortion clinic.

It took many tears and a humble heart to bring me to a place of allowing God to restore what Satan had set out to destroy.

So there we were, standing in a small area off to the side of the very clinic that claimed her brother's life. With our heads bowed, and our fingers locked together we prayed to Almighty God to change hearts and save not one life...but two.

Within moments, Sydney softly whispered in my ear... "Mom, this is awesome and sad all at the same time. Awesome because I can feel God's presence and sad because I know the outcome of the decision that is about to take place. I just want to run up to each of those girls and tell them that there's another way." As I lifted my head to respond, I saw my baby girl's eyes filled with tears. Silently, I thanked God for her tender heart and for restoring our relationship.

Starting September 28, 2011, a prayer vigil will be held in Vestal at the abortion clinic. This will be our second year joining 40 Days for Life (locally) to pray for the end of abortion, this is a nationwide campaign. So, won't you consider praying at your local abortion clinic during these 40 days?

God will move the mountain, even if it's one stone at a time.

Done Wandering...

2011-09-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time, way too long some of you might say. While others might say, I didn't know that you were ever gone. Over the last year, I've walked through the wasteland several times, gone around the mountain more then once and have had a couple of pity parties. I'm sure some of my "friends" have wondered if I would ever be back and share " not mine but God's Story" ever again.

Well, today, I'm saying "YES!" I'm ready to put away the plastic plates, stale food and flat soda that has been apart of the on going pity party, where I've allowed satan to be the ONLY invited guest. I'm ready to let God use me through this blog once again,and share the many things that have happened in the last year.

Some stories will bring tears to your eyes, while others will place a song in your heart because of the work God is doing in lives around me. So, starting next week, I hope to share these events in the months to come. Yep, months...because I'm done ignoring God's voice and ready to get His Stories out!

Changing One Heart for Many...

2010-07-29T06:24:00.000-07:00

My life is in a very dry place right now and I’m frustrated.

In January, I took over “Changing One Heart for Many…” and at the time I felt it was the right decision. I know it was the RIGHT decision! It’s been an honor to share about how lives and hearts have been changed by God’s truth. To have one’s heart that was once pro-abortion become pro-life can only mean one thing…another baby gets to live and experience life as God has planned.
But lately, I have felt very repetitive in my writing. It seems to be a great struggle for me to put my thoughts on paper (computer). When I first started this journey, the words came out like rushing water and I knew telling my story, their stories (God’s Story) was important and I believe it still is but for right now I need to stop and be still.

God has asked me to remove myself from blogging. I’m not sure what He has planned for me, but I do know He has a plan.
Thank you all for your faithfulness in praying with me and standing in the gap for the unborn!

Changing One Heart for Many...

2010-07-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

You might find it disheartening that when I was 11 weeks pregnant I chose to have an abortion, even after seeing my pre-born baby's heart beating at 6 weeks.

Like must women who have gone down that road, the road of abortion, I covered the choice I made with layers of excuses, hoping to never face the reality of the life I once carried inside me. For years, I ignored the whispering voice of our Creator, who tried to get me to look at the (heart) face of my child, wanting me to see that his life was just as important .

Christian, my child, tomorrow would've been your birthday. I would have been planning your 20th birthday dinner with the family. Oh, how I wish I had given you life instead of death. To let you live out the plans that God had already set in place for you as you were being formed in my womb. But I was too consumed by the lies around me and I believed this was best for both of us. My heart ached in silence for years over the choice I made and my very being longed to see you grow into the life God had planned for you. I would cry when no one was around, longing to go back before that day I walked into the clinic. Even though I’ve never seen your face nor heard your voice, you have always been apart of me.The voice I long to hear today, is the voice I silenced...I'm so very sorry.

For years I tried to avoid your memory but today I'm embracing it. I’m thankful that I wasn’t turned away when I came to God with this awful sin of abortion and repented. I remember the day I finally acknowledged your existence. It was then God gently removed the scales from my eyes, allowing me to see your precious face as He spoke these words to me “Go ahead and hold him. I want you to see him the way I see him. You need to love him the way I love him…now hold him.”

For the first time Christian, I held you in my heart and it felt so wonderful. So perfect.

I John 3:19-20 This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

Father God,
I pray for the those who still see the abortion instead of the child(ren) and that their eyes will be opened so they can live in the forgiveness You long for them to have. Father, we ask for hearts to be changed, to see the destruction that is taking place in our nation.

Holy Spirit, we know it is Your presence that will bring those who are hiding to the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Please see that our hearts long for the day when we will embrace our children and not destroy them.

O Lord, look among your people see those who are faithful to this calling and bless them.
In the Mighty Name of Jesus, Amen!

Inspiration 365 Days a Year | Inspriation 365 Day a Year Movie

2010-06-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

Inspiration 365 Days a Year | Inspriation 365 Day a Year Movie

Reading these quotes, reminded me of my mother's wisdom as she lead me down the road called "Life." (smile)

Mom would say:
"If the farmer can get the milk free from the cow, he isn't gonna buy it!"
"Well honey, if their talking about you, then they're leaving everyone else alone."

Changing One Heart for Many...wk 23

2010-06-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

I can’t seem to get Father’s Day out of my mind, even though the official celebration is over. I keep thinking about the young man (I shared in post wk 14 and 15) who faced an unplanned pregnancy, then made the decision to support his girlfriend with the choice to have an abortion. Repeatedly, since yesterday, the question has been “What was he feelings on Father’s Day?”

My mind filled with thoughts, as I sat in church on Father’s Day of how many men were sitting in the pews with this “secret sin.” Questions kept popping up in my little brain like.... Do they feel the same lost as the woman who physical carried the child, then went through with the abortion? Do they think about the child's birth date? Maybe they too wonder if the child would have looked like them. Could they be thinking, what it would’ve sounded like to hear “Daddy, I love you.”

That's when I thought about young man, who would be anticipating the birth of his child, if he had only trusted God. I wanted to call him on the phone to see how he was doing. To ask those very questions that earlier in the day had been swimming around in my head. But I couldn’t… so I prayed.

Father God,
I know that nothing goes unseen; You see it all. You see the hearts of so many whom everyday chooses to hide from You. Lord, I wish that I could request, on behalf of this young man, for You to forgive him of this sin, but I can’t, only he can.

So, Lord, I pray for his heart to soften along with anyone else who has been touched by abortion, so they will know of the amazing Grace and Mercy that awaits them. I ask for this one heart to be changed… In Jesus Precious Name, Amen!

Here a video of one heart that has been changed who spoke out for the Silent No More

Changing One Heart for Many...wk 21

2010-06-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

Atonement- Reconciliation or an instance of reconciliation between God and humans.

“I shouldn’t be thinking this, but I want to have another baby. There's an emptiness that I'm feeling and another baby would fill it” she said with questionable voice. Immediately the thoughts of desiring to make up for what I had done came rushing back to me. I, too, made the choice to end my child’s life by having an abortion and within a year I wanted so desperately to undone my selfish act. Like the young lady, who was sitting across from me, having another baby made sense? Didn’t it?

The above conversation is not uncommon; as a matter of fact it is quite common. There is much regret after having an abortion. That is, once the feeling of relief has left and guilt takes its place, all you can think about is… how I can make it right.

The day that I conceived my daughter was to be my day of atonement with God. Our daughter was planned, at least I planned her. By having this baby, it was going to take the place of my aborted child. I wanted to show God that I was worthy of His love. I was going to show Him that I was truly sorry for placing my life before the child's life, and by having another baby, it would the ultimate sacrifice to receiving God’s forgiveness.

But within a year, I started to withdraw from her and my relationship with my daughter, Sydney, became estranged. I wanted to love her but couldn’t. Oh, I was a great pretender around other mothers. One minute, I would smother her with kisses and the next minute I was telling her how much of a burden she had become. Feelings of guilt and angry swirled around her for the next thirteen years of her life.

Soon I realized that I wasn’t the only one with these feelings and that I couldn’t do ANYTHING to earn God’s forgiveness! His forgiveness was free! God sent his Son to die for my sins (our sins), all of them,and all I needed was to confess, receive God's forgiveness and believe in His Son.

His Son was the Atonement for my sins... not my child.

Romans 4:7-8 “Blessed are they
      whose transgressions are forgiven,
      whose sins are covered.
Blessed is the man
      whose sin the Lord will never count against him."

Today, my relationship with my daughter has been restored and I’m so blessed to be her mother. She is growing into a beautiful young woman inside and out. I can’t explain why Sydney holds no animosity towards me.

She once explained to a newspaper reporter (who was writing about the abortion) her thoughts about our relationship. When asked if she understood why her mother acted this way towards her, her reply was “All I knew was that my mommy did love me and I loved her. She just didn’t know how to show me, until she could love herself.”

Father, my heart can't even express how thankful I am for Your love that filled my child's heart, when I couldn't.

Father God,
Thank you for Your love that continues to flow through us, even when we don't know how to love. Thank you for never leaving us during our times of rebellion and I ask for the Holy Spirit to stir the hearts of those who are still hiding from You. I pray that they will hear Your whispering words..."Where are you, my child?" In Jesus name...Amen!

Wrinkles

2010-05-29T04:35:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I turned 52. To be honest, this aging thing isn't a whole lot of fun. Beside the aches and pains I experience most mornings, I'm now fighting to hold back the wrinkles that are surfacing. My daily routine is checking for chin hairs (goat hairs as I call them) along with my moisturizer. I gently pat eye cream around my eyes twice a day and I'm trying to train the gray eyebrow hairs to lay flat as I hide them with a brow pencil.

After seeing Anita's video, I'm working on a new attitude...Enjoy!

Changing One Heart for Many...wk 19

2010-05-24T03:42:00.000-07:00

Here's the review from Amazon: "In one terrifying moment, Dynah Carey's perfect life is shattered by rape, her future irrevocably altered by an unwanted pregnancy, and her doting family torn apart. Her seemingly rock-solid faith is pushed to the limits as she faces the most momentous choice of her life--to embrace or to end the untimely life within her."

Father God,
I want to give You thanks today, for always being there to listen when we call upon Your name. Thank you for the changed hearts who heard Your whisper to trust You with their pregnancy. Thank you for the lives that now give glory to Your name because of the "choice" their mothers made to give them life!

Father, I pray that You'll bring comfort and renewal to those who did not trust You with their pregnancy. I ask, that their hearts will know how much You love them and that they will hear You say... "come home my child, I never stopped loving you." In Jesus name...Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many...wk17

2010-05-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day, I know for some that it can be difficult. Just a few weeks ago, I had someone say that because of their abortion, Mother's Day is a sad time for her. I totally understand, any loss of a child is difficult.

A lot has been going on; as I'm sure your life is pretty busy too. You would think with all the technology, we'd have a lot of free time (like the Jetsons, now I'm dating myself) but this doesn't seem to be true.

Well, God has brought several women in my life, who I will be meeting with weekly as they go though the abortion recovery bible study. Our ministry Beyond the Choice at the CPC has some plans in the works to get out into the community to make the post abortion issue more visible. I'm also teaching a women's class at church 'Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl' which has taken off strong. Oh, let me not forgot the most important part of my life...time with God and family.

I've decided that I need to put things in the right order. So, I'll only be posting every two weeks the Changing One Heart for Many. I'm sure you've noticed in the last couple of weeks I've been late, and that has bothered me. When I do God's work, I want to do it well!

May I ask from time to time that you would send up a prayer for me and this ministry? Thank you.

Here's a movie that I pray will get out into the theaters, but as you will read, satan is already on the move. Let's reminder to pray for the will of God to done and for Truth to prevail!

New York, NY (LifeNews.com) -- The premier of the movie "Blood Money," which exposes the abortion industry, has been canceled after the theater was threatened by abortion advocates. Roman Jaquez, an independent film maker and artist produced the documentary -- which contains interviews of whistle-blowing former employees of abortion centers. Read the full article here.

President Obama has nominated Elena Kagan to replace Justice Stevens on the Supreme Court.

Matthew 6:10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.

Father God,
Life seems to be spinning out of control to all of us, yet NOTHING surprises You. Lord, we know that You are God and we are not, so we come to You seeking Your will to be done. Even when things seem so hopeless, we will speak with our mouths the hope that You have given us through Your son, Jesus Christ. Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many...wk16

2010-05-04T04:01:00.000-07:00

Last week was incredible. I had the opportunity, actually three opportunities, to share God’s amazing grace.

When giving my testimony, it’s bittersweet when I think of my child, Christian, who lost his life through abortion. My choice stopped his heartbeat. The unplanned pregnancy had blocked his precious face. My disobedience pushed the truth of God far from my heart. Yet, God didn’t give up on me. He sent His words to change my heart and someone’s testimony to see His unfailing love.

That’s why I do what I do, not for me, but for someone who might be sitting out in the audience, thinking they are the only one with this secret sin.

As I scan the faces that are staring back at me, my eyes meet hers and she knows this message is finding a place in her heart, which she has guarded for many years. It’s a message of forgiveness. Its time that she too experiences the freedom that comes from trusting God and the freedom to wonder if her baby would have had…her eyes.

Revelation 12:11
And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
      and by their testimony.
   And they did not love their lives so much
      that they were afraid to die.

LORD,
You are Worthy of all Praise and Honor. So, we lifted our eyes and we lift our hands to praise You. It seems like this a battle to save the lives of the unborn is becoming harder and harder. We praying for great favor to those who will stand in the gap for the unborn. There were those who once lost but are now living in Your Truth, we ask that they would have the courage to give their testimony on how Great You are! Give us wise and strength to oppose the enemy.

Jesus, You alone give hope to hopeless. Oh Lord, draw nearer to the women who are contemplating an abortion and restore those who have been affected by an abortion(s). In Jesus Mighty Name...Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many...wk15

2010-04-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

This week I’m continuing with the thoughts of one grandmother who lost her grandchild to an abortion.

She told me that she enjoyed the company of her son’s girlfriend and from time to time, she would share with this young woman about her abortion. She let her know how it had affected her and those closes to her. I remember looking into her eyes, and seeing the pain of hopelessness as grandmother’s voice became shaky speaking these words “I wish that I could have had just a few minutes with her. I know all she sees right now is a situation and that this is the best solution.” “You see, I thought the same thing. My life was going places and nothing was going to stop me.”
I could see the tears gently falling down her cheeks has she continued, “But you know, my life stopped the minute I placed my feet on the floor after my abortion.” “I knew what I had done and I couldn’t undo it.” Then in a whisper, she said, “I thought I’d never be holding on to this secret, again.”

The words that you are about read came from her journal, with her permission.

It’s over. Yesterday your life ended. I tried to convince your daddy that there was a better way. I pray that your death will not be in vain, but will one day bring you daddy and mommy to the Cross. Oh, the Cross… is a beautiful place to find rest and forgiveness.

Your mom and dad couldn’t see beyond the circumstance. I think they believed it was better to not hold you, then to have held you only to place you in someone else arms.

I know the fear they were feeling and the voice that convinced me that there was no other way, so many years ago. I have mourned for many years for the child I’ll never hold because of my abortion. There are times I wonder about all the plans God had for my child and now, I will wonder about you…little one.

Psalm 139:13
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Abba Father,
You are Holy. Nothing is hidden from You, for You are the Creator of all things. We pray that our eyes would be open fully to the evil that is surrounding us. Give us the voice to speak out for the children. Give us the heart to embrace those who are now hurting, because they have seen the life that was lost.

I ask God that our government would be shaken and brought to their knees and seek You to do Your will and not theirs. In Jesus Mighty Name…Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many...wk 14

2010-04-19T09:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,
We only have a few days, but You already know that. Today my heart is heavy and sad for the child that is inside the mother’s womb. I understand her confusion, thinking this is the best choice. O God, the best choice would be to call upon You, Lord, to see that this life wants to live.
I will pray and fast, God, for this child. My grandchild. Even through the enemy is whispering lies into my heart and the heart of the parents; I know You have not forsaken me... Amen.

Let us pray for those whose loved ones who have died through abortion.

Our Heavenly Father,
We give praise to All-Mighty God. The Maker of the Universe, we praise You. You, who hear our cries and collects our tears in bottle. We pray, as believers in Jesus Christ for Your love to cover those who are hurting in silence. Who had no voice in the decision of the child, whose life was lost through an abortion. May they be drawn to a place or to someone that can help them deal with their loss. We thank you, God, in advance for the many hearts that will be healed and who will make a difference in standing up for the unborn. In Jesus name…Amen

(to be continued next Monday)

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-04-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

Several weeks ago, our paper reported about a pharmacist who was charged with his ‘other’ girlfriend’s miscarriage. When this ‘other’ girlfriend told him that she was pregnant in January (he at the time was engaged to another woman), he said that he could use the drug misoprostol to bring on a miscarriage. It was then she told him she would have an abortion and set the appointment for February 24, but later cancelled it and decided to have and keep the baby. It was then he administered the drug to his girlfriend without her permission, which resulted in a miscarriage. He was arrested and charged with criminal homicide of an unborn child, along with several other charges. Read the whole story here.

We know this isn’t the first time that someone has been charged with taking the life of a unborn child, yet a woman has the ‘right’ to end the life of her unborn child through abortion. How is it possible to think that life is precious in one breath, then in the next breath it’s worth nothing? This is so hard for me to comprehend, today. Yet, it wasn’t always that way.

During the first 11 weeks of my pregnancy, I made a mental list of the pros and cons of why this baby should live, like as if I was purchasing something of material value. My action was no different then the man in the above article accepts for one thing, that the law gave me permission. I am so confused with the way our nation views this issue I have come to this conclusion…we don’t FEAR GOD!

There are many things that we fear in life. Like someone entering our home at night, that’s why we lock our doors or we look both ways before we cross a busy intersection because we fear of getting hit by a vehicle. Yet, many of us don’t fear God. I think sometimes we make light of how great our God is. We put a lot of fluff around Him, so that He will appear to be a God who tolerates our actions instead of honoring Him through obedience. I know it's important to show God as merciful, full of grace and loving but let us not stop there. For when we come to know the full character of God, it's only then we can live life to the fullest!

Psalm 112:1
Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD,
who finds great delight in his commands.

Dear Father,
Praise be to You! Praise to our LORD! We pray that Your love would consume us and bring forth an obedient heart. Forgive us when we call out praises to You yet ignore Your commends. God, forgive our nation for being double –minded on this issue, like those given the authority to make laws. Let them see that an unborn child is just that, a child.
Father, we pray also for those who have made the choice to have an abortion, that they will know when they confess their sin before You, they are forgiven and You remember NO more. We thank you for Your love that never gives up on us. In the precious name of Jesus…Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-04-05T05:16:00.000-07:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

Shame and guilt covered me. Anger took residence in my heart. Bitterness was now flowing through my veins. Little by little, that same bitterness was now trying to find its way into my daughter’s heart. I wanted to love her, yet these words came to me often… “You fool, why would you have another child when you didn’t want the one you killed?”

For ten years after my abortion, I tried to go on with my life. I still remember the rehearsed words the nurse spoke to me that day “You’re doing great. It’s almost over. In a little while you’ll be able to get on with you life.”

I had an abortion to do just that, to ‘get on with my life’. Yet I couldn’t. The whirlwind of emotions that was consuming me was also affecting my relationship with my daughter. Then one day God spoke and I listened. He showed me that my ‘secret’ wasn’t hidden from Him and it was time to deal with it! Within a few days, I heard a woman testify of the love and forgiveness that she received from our Lord, when she confessed her abortion(s). She was offering an abortion recovery Bible study to anyone who was hiding this secret and who was willing to trust God. I knew it was time.

These last few weeks have been amazing, but when God is the focus, it always is. I had the privilege of sharing my story (God’s Story) with the Endless Mountains Pregnancy Care Center in Towanda, Pa. and United with Christ Church in Johnson City, NY. In addition, on April 28, I will be speaking at a pro-life fundraiser in Binghamton, NY and on May 1 will be doing a dramatic monologue of ‘The Woman at the Well’ at New Fellowship Church in Endicott, NY. I would so appreciate your prayers.

Through God’s grace, I have been able to speak so freely of how He has taken something so ugly and has covered it with love. After telling my story (God’s Story), women are now willing to reveal their ‘secret’, maybe for the first time. This is very humbling. At the first two events, I had six women tell me that they too had abortions. Let us pray today for these women, and for all those who are still afraid of trusting God with this secret.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT)

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. ⁴ He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Father God,

We offer You words of praise. We offer You a thankful heart. We offer You a surrendered life to Your plans. As believers we have seen, in our own lives, the great things You have done and so we ask that the hearts of the women who have heard, would responded.

We pray that they would not ignore Your voice and would no longer cover their sin of abortion. For we know nothing can be hidden from You!

Holy Spirit, cover them with Your comforting hands and guide them to a place where they will feel safe to finally allow You to heal their pain. In Jesus name...Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-03-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

Did you participate in the Red Envelopes last year? I did. As a matter of fact, it was neat how God provided the red envelopes, I'll share that story at another time. So, I received this email from Christ Otto, he's the one who came up with the idea. Well kinda, we know where it originally came from...God. :) Go ahead and read the information before and lets get those red envelopes mailed!

Red Envelopes Campaign

Please join me in sending Congress the message that abortion is not healthcare.

Last year I shared a dream I had about red envelopes flooding the White House. To my surprise, it resulted in over 2.5 million red envelopes overwhelming the mailroom of the White House. More importantly, it got many individuals involved in the Pro-Life movement who felt that they had been disenfranchised. Most stunning of all, these millions of red envelopes were generated without a central organization, a public relations firm, or a budget. It was men, women, and children who care about life that made it happen.

Sadly, the mainstream media ignored this story, even though the Washington Post was aware of the campaign, and members of Congress contacted me personally. At the time, the mainstream media outlets I spoke to refused to cover the story. More tragically, the President and his party continue to advance the expansion and funding of abortion with your tax dollars. We need your help to create a sea of red in Washington that no one can ignore.

From now until April 4, 2010, please put 3 red letters for life in the mail. You can use an envelope, a postcard, or even a piece of red paper in a white envelope. On your letter for life, write your personal message against the public funding of abortion. Make it simple, and make it red.

Send your three letters to:
Speaker Nancy Pelosi
Office of the Speaker
H-232, US Capitol
Washington, DC 20515

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
522 Hart Senate Office Bldg
Washington, DC 20510

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

You may also send red letters for life to your congressional delegation. Their addresses can be found here:
http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW_by_State.shtml
http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

Red envelopes can be found at any card store after Valentine's day. You can also purchase red card stock at any craft store. Encourage your parish, church, small group, youth group, or friends to take this project on together. Postcards made of card stock are less expensive to mail. I encourage you to use your creativity, but please do not use this concept for fundraising or to sell a product. Last year the Youtube videos were great!

Send me an email with a photo of your letters for life. I will get these into the alternative media. My email is redletterobama@gmail.com.

More info can be found here, as it is necessary: http://belonginghouse.org/wordpress/the-letters-for-life/

Forward this email to everyone you know. This will not work unless there is as broad support as possible. Last year this worked because many people offered a hand. Many still don't understand that the internet empowers YOU to speak.

You can make a difference.

And please pray for our nation. We need a rebirth of freedom.
Jesus, I plead your blood over my sins, and the sin of my nation. God, end abortion, and send revival to America.

Thanks for your time, and for your help.

Christ Otto
(nope, it's not misspelled, and rhymes with "wrist")

I added the video.

Heavenly Father,
We praise You, All Mighty God and give You thanks for You are good. We love You, Lord and thank you for stirring our hearts to do what is right. Not what man calls "right" in his own eyes but what is "RIGHT" in the sight of God! We pray that Washington, D.C. would be flooded with red envelopes in the next couple of weeks, just like Egypt was overcome by the locusts. To show this nation that abortion is not God's way! Teach us, O Lord, and give us strength to leave our comfort zone to fight for the unborn. In Mighty name of Jesus Christ...Amen!

Changing On Heart for Many

2010-03-22T07:54:00.000-07:00

2 Chronicles 7:14 (New International Version)
14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Father God,
We, as Your people, believers in Christ Jesus confess the sin of our nation concerning abortion, the loss of over 45 million babies. Your Word tells us that righteousness exalts a nation but that sin is a reproach to any people. We pray for the leaders of this country that their hearts will soften and that their eyes will see God’s Truth.
We ask for the people of this nation that laugh at Your righteousness and call You, their God, would humble themselves and turn from their wicked ways!

I'm sorry that Changing One Heart wasn't up early. My life is a little busy right now with family,teaching and speaking. I love being busy for the Lord and I'll share, hopefully next Monday.

Changing One for Many

2010-03-15T04:04:00.000-07:00

Revelation 12:11 (NIV) They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony;

This one sin was going to the grave with me. This was one act that when discussed in a group setting you would hear “I could never have an abortion, I would never do that.”

I remember the first time I spoke about my abortion publicly. My husband and I were giving our testimony of our restored marriage in front of about 50 couples at church. I knew that we needed to uncover this part of our lives because our abortion was done out of anger, unforgiveness and bitterness towards each other. As I started to say that we had had an abortion, my legs became weak. I couldn’t breathe and tears that were welling up blurred my vision. I was terrified…what were they going to think? It was then that my husband placed his hand on my back and finished my sentence.

Well, I’ve come a long way since that day … the day the enemy tried to keep our secret sin a secret. Now I proclaim God’s forgiveness toward my abortion with no shame and a calm voice.

In upcoming months, I have the opportunity to share my story (God’s Story). Along with my testimony, I will be performing a dramatic monologue presentation of the ‘Woman at the Well’ at several churches and a crisis pregnancy center. Would you please join me in prayer for the many women in attendance, that they will hear and receive God’s message through me as His vessel.

Isaiah 55:10-11 (NLT) The rain and snow come down from the heavens
      and stay on the ground to water the earth.
   They cause the grain to grow,
      producing seed for the farmer
      and bread for the hungry.
11 It is the same with my word.
      I send it out, and it always produces fruit.
   It will accomplish all I want it to,
      and it will prosper everywhere I send it.

Abba Father,
We give you thanks,oh Lord, with all of our hearts. Your love towards us, we can't even begin to measure it.
Lord, we pray for the women that are carrying around the heavy burden of their abortion. Father, we ask for Your Mighty hand to gently reach down and touch them.

We ask for their ears to hear Your words and that they would receive it as a love letter. Your Word has the power to change one's heart. You tell us that Your Word will not come back void and will accomplish what You desire.

We have all fallen short and there is nothing that can be hidden from You, may this truth be revealed.

So, we ask that You would bring those that need to be at the events and for the enemy's mouth to be silenced! We pray for each woman who has been running from You, that she will turn and run to You. We pray she will to take her abortion to the foot of the Cross, forsake it and exchange it for Your forgiveness. We ask this in Your son's name, Jesus Christ...Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-03-08T04:30:00.000-08:00

If you missed the earlier post, you can view it here Changing One Heart for Many. I was going to add a video today but I think I will display it next week. Let us pray.

Father God,
You are All-Knowing and nothing is hidden from You. You see the destruction of thousands who's lives have and are ending because of abortion. You see hundreds of women hurting, hiding and walking around feeling empty because of the lies that were told to them.

Lord, You have given us a heart that desires to stand up for what is right in Your eyes, now give us a voice of truth when confronted with evil. Give us words that would be bold and with authority to crush the works of satan! We have no trouble praying to You for change but use us to move in the direction to bring change! Not the President's way of change but YOUR WAY!!!

We pray today God, for the Holy Spirit to shake the heart of our President, Congressman, Senators and Representatives. We pray as they look at the women and children that pass by them in their everyday lives, they will realized they have sinned because of their votes against the All Mighty God and come to the full understand of Your amazing grace! In Jesus name...Amen

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-03-05T08:58:00.000-08:00

This couldn't wait until Monday.

Although I'm not good at comprehending all the political talk on Capitol Hill, I do know that our Representatives need to hear from us! Here the link: Stop The Abortion Mandate that gives you the latest information about what's happening with the healthcare bill. You'll find the link there, enabling you to connect your Representative.

If you've experienced an abortion(s), please share with them your story. I believe when we tell our story and how our "choice" touched our lives, it changes the heart. My letter went out yesterday.

Exodus 14:15 (NIV) Then the LORD said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on.

Our prayers are very important, they move the heart of God. But I also know that God calls us to take action. For the last several years, I've spoken out on how abortion affected my life but I never got involved in the political part of it. The only time I move in that direction is when I cast my vote during election, it's always for the candidate who is against abortion, but in the last year I've been a voice for the unborn by letting politicians know where I stand.

Please won't you take a few minutes, that's all it takes, just a few minutes and let those in Washington hear from you. There are future lives depending on us.

On Monday I will have a video and prayer...Thank you for your faithfulness!

Thank you!

2010-03-04T15:17:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

To all of you who nominated my blog over at Internet Cafe Devotions for TOP 100 Christian Women’s blogs. What an honor it is to be placed among some talented writers, it has truly blessed me.

Changing One Heart for Many...

2010-03-01T04:01:00.000-08:00

Hosea 4:6a My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.

Heavenly Father,
We come and give praise to Your Name, all Mighty God. We look to Your for instruction, and to show us Your ways and Your heart. As a nation and as individuals , we have drafted from Your Turth...please forgive us.
We ask for You to bend down and hear from those that praise Your name and look to You for guidance. We pray that our government and the people of this nation will be brought to a place where they will see the destruction that is taking place because of their own knowledge. We pray for Your ways, desires, and truth to fill the hearts of those that call upon Your name. In Jesus Mighty Name...Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-02-22T03:49:00.000-08:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

On February 8th I posted about Christians who are pro-abortion. I want to thank you for praying and the supporting comments that were left. But I don’t always receive such support. Many times I contribute to Cypress Times which is located in Texas; some times I’ll use the same posting from my blog. I’m not sure if I think they are so interesting that I need to share them again or it’s just easier not to have to come up with a totally different topic. Anyway, I posted February 8th ‘Changing One Heart for Many’ and received this comment: “I think it's very dangerous when a person makes such a stern judgement about their fellow Christians. We are all responsible for our own walk and it is not up to me to determine if someone is truly born again based on something as gut wrenching as abortion. We are all individuals and we're allowed to be wrong and still be Christians.” Read the rest here by scrolling down the page.

Last week a young lady made this statement to me “I was given some booklets that had to do with spiritual counseling at the clinic where I had my abortion. It led me to believe that being religious and having an abortion was okay. I felt a little better for a while.” Later that evening I wanted to check out just what she was talking about, so I went to the abortion website and this is what I found.

After watching the video, I thought “we need to pray”. We are fighting a spiritual battle. We need to be the voice that will speak the truth of God. As followers of Christ, should we not be concerned of the deception that is blinding those who call out “Lord, Lord” yet choose to twist the Scriptures. Should we not be concerned about the millions of pre-born babies that are being aborted? Should we not be concerned for the women who believe that there is only one ‘choice’ in facing an unplanned pregnancy?

Ephesians 6:12 (Amplified Bible) For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.

Father God,
There are times when we look around and see a battle that appears to big for us to fight. But You , Oh Lord, see a speck of dust that will be blown away by one mighty word spoken from Your mouth. Help us not to become discouraged as we fight this battle.Give us wisdom to know how to pray and the strength to stand against the enemy.

We pray for the lives of those who are lost in religion to see Your Truth. Awaken the heart so that they would come to a place of repentance and enter into a relationship with Your Son , Jesus. We ask this in the powerful name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-02-15T04:32:00.000-08:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

There’s a clinic in our town where they offer the woman a stone just before they walk her down the hall to perform the abortion. This stone is to symbolize the difficult choice she is making and to help her through it.

The first time I heard about this was when a young lady came to the center for a pregnancy test. As we sat across from each other, I started to ask her some routine questions which lead to her sharing with me about her abortions. Half way through her story she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a small semi-glossy stone. I’m sure the look on my face was puzzling, because it was then she began to explain where she got it and why it was given to her. She said they told her that this stone would help her get through this difficult time and that it would bring healing. For the first time I was at a loss for words. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

As I sat there listening to all the reasons why she went through with her abortions, I could see the pain in her heart as her fingers wrapped tightly around the stone. She assured me that life for her was just fine, but her fingers were telling me a different story as they were turning white from clutching the stone.

On my way home, her words kept rolling around in my mind. I thought “why a stone?” Then it dawned on me. Some religions believe that stones bring healing and others believe they protect you from evil spirits. I’m familiar with this way of thinking because my older sister practices this stone believing faith (?).

The next morning during my time with the Lord, He brought me to Ezekiel 36:26. He laid on my heart that many of us have false idols in our lives, just like the Israelites did. When we decide to take hold of false ‘truth’ in this world, our hearts become callous and in time turn hard … just like the stone that the young woman was holding in her hand. The voice of God starts to grow faint. We start to act on what we feel and not on God’s truth, or we become too ashamed to ever believe that the God of the Universe could love us.

Many times I think about that stone and what it truly represents. It’s a reminder of what could have been, what should have been, if only we hadn’t placed our desires before God’s. I remember when my desires caused me to ignore the voice of God. How thankful I am that God didn’t leave me in that place. It wasn’t easy facing what I had done, but it never is. My willingness to lay down my filthy rags for His righteousness was the beginning of my stony heart becoming a heart of flesh.

When placing our lives in God’s hands, our hearts become flesh.

Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Father God,
Your Word is Life. You are full of mercy and grace, so we ask , oh Lord, to pour down on us. We pray that hearts would be soften and the foundation that has been built against You would crumble. Despite all that we have done as a nation, You desire us to be Your children.
We as believers in Jesus Christ, come together asking that many hearts of stone will become flesh at the very touch of Your hand. In Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-02-08T06:21:00.000-08:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

Whether I speak to an audience of many or just one, sharing that over 20 years ago I decided to have an abortion, I can hear sounds of emotion in the air. Here’s my thought during that moment, Are you pro-abortion (pro-choice) or pro-life? It may surprise you that I called myself a Christian and believed abortion should be legal, never thinking in a million years that I would go down that road.

Being a Christian and pro-choice is not as uncommon as you might think. I was actually quite surprised when I did a Google search. I found words that compared an unplanned pregnancy to a mistake or a punishment. I read several articles that even stated that until the baby takes its first breath outside of the womb it’s not considered a person to those who are pro- abortion (pro-choice).

I must be honest here; I was pro-abortion (pro-choice) for many years after my abortion. Are you surprised? I went to church every Sunday and I read my Bible. I knew God had forgiven me, yet I struggled to love my daughter who was born 4 years after the abortion. Numerous times I would cry out to God, asking Him why I felt this way. Then one day as I was preparing my testimony, God led me to Psalm 127:3. He showed me that my pregnancy wasn’t a mistake or a punishment, but it was a child. I served Him with my words. I worshiped Him with song. But I had not completely humble myself. For the first time I saw my abortion as my child, a life that God created.

From the White House to the churches, many still believe that a unplanned pregnancy is a mistake or a punishment. Many of us have ways of justifying our actions or not fully submitting to God’s truth…I know I did.

Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in doing right,
teaching them his way.

Father God,
As believers in Christ, we acknowledge that You are the Creator and we are Your creation. Search us, oh Lord, and show us the areas that we still hold on to that doesn't glorify Your name. Stir our hearts to be willing to set aside our ways,our thoughts and humbly lay them before You.
Forgive us for the times that we didn't trust You in situations that we choose to face alone.
We pray, Father God, that our president and this nation would start to hear the cries of all the innocent blood that is taken because of abortion. May they be reminded, as they look upon the faces of their loved ones, that life isn't a choice but a gift from God.
Convict the hearts that stand against You, so they will humble themselves and learn Your ways. In the Mighty Name of Jesus...Amen!

Changing One Heart For Many

2010-02-01T03:57:00.000-08:00

If you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel ashamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

I once knew someone who was known for pulling out her little device that ‘guaranteed’ to tell you the sex of the child that was hidden in your womb. This gadget consisted of a long piece of thread attached to a sewing needle. She would grab the end of the thread and dangle the needle over the palm of your hand. Slowly it would begin to move, and depending on the direction of the needle … whether it went in a circle or a straight line … she could tell if you were carrying a boy or girl. Now I didn’t believe it, but I will say she had 50-50 chance of being right.

Today, we don’t need to look for the woman with a needle in her pocket, but instead, we can get an ultrasound that will show the very life growing inside the womb. This instrument plays an important role in many crisis pregnancy centers. It saves lives. It changes hearts.

I remember hearing about a young lady who called our center looking for help. She told her family that she was pregnant. They were not happy and were pressuring her to have an abortion. We suggested that she come in for ultrasound, hoping it would make a difference once her mom looked at the screen. However, the day of her visit, her mom decided to stay in the car during the ultrasound. As soon as the instrument began touching her womb, the picture took on life. There was the baby, 11 weeks old. She became so excited that she said “My mom has to see this. Can you go and get her ‘cause I know she’ll change her mind.” Having seen the baby, the mother did change her mind. The baby was given life. A heart was changed.

There’s someone else whose heart has been changed through an ultrasound, too. Abby Johnson is the former director of an abortion clinic in Texas. She no longer encourages women to end a life, but instead she speaks out to help save lives of the unborn. (The video although it's not graphic, you may not want children around.)

Psalm 139: 13-15
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

Father God,
We, as believers, lift our voices to give You praise. Holy is Your name.You are the Creator of life, knowing all things. Thank you for the opportunity that You have given us to look inside the darkness of the womb. We ask that Satan's plan to destroy the lives of the unborn would be bound, in the name of Jesus! That those who are planning to have an abortion or are involved in abortions, will see the work of Your hands and will change their minds. No longer can we live in denial of when life begins.Thank you for the many hearts that are changed everyday because of this ultrasound and for lives that are being saved.
In Jesus Mighty Name...Amen!

Changing One Heart for Many

2010-01-24T17:40:00.000-08:00

About a year ago, God laid something very important on Melinda’s (Traveling the Road Home) heart and it was to start a prayer team for the abortion issue facing our country. She gave it a name “Changing One Heart for Many” and asked willing participants to stand in the gap with her. She even, shall I say, dares us to make a commitment to pray for a period of time: 3 months, 6months, 9months, or 1 year. She made it pretty easy. It was her desire to come together as one to change the heart of one, President Obama.

As some of you may already know, she has asked me to take over the Blogger Pro Life Prayer Team. So, for the next 52 weeks we will be approaching God in prayer …“Changing One Heart for Many.” Through prayer, I realized the name that Melinda had chosen was PREFECT! In order to save the life of the unborn, the heart has to change in every human being who believes that an abortion should be a “choice.”

Here’s how you can get involved:

Leave a comment on this post stating your commitment to pray every Monday with your pledge time: 3 months, 6 months, 9 months or 1 year.

Every Monday I will have posted something of interest that has to do with abortion, whether it is a personal story, political, or one of the many other issues relating to how abortions affects us. I will also have a Scripture, and end the post with a prayer

Now, if you’re visiting for the first time and you don’t know my story (God’s Story), you may want to check it on the left-hand side bar under “My Secret Sin.” I was one of those human beings who needed a heart change. If you have had an abortion, I want you to know you will find no condemnation here, but you will find Truth wrapped in grace and mercy. God has brought you here because He doesn’t want you to hurt and feel a shamed anymore, but what He does want from you is to trust Him with your pain. Will you do that? I hope so. If you need to talk or need prayer, click on ‘profile’ for email.

Ezekiel 36:26 And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Father God,
What a pledge it is that You have chosen us to stand againist the evil one. Many hearts are hard because they have placed their own deires before Yours. God, we ask for those who have turned their backs on You that their eyes would be opened, so they could see the lives being destroyed. Not only the lives of the unborn but their own. Cause them to ache with sadness in order to soften their heart.
Thank you Father God, for the many hearts that will be changed today and throughout the year in the precious name of Jesus...Amen.

Sanctity of Human Life

2010-01-18T05:03:00.000-08:00

Today starts a week of awareness for Sanctity of Human Life. My friend, Pat Layton, author of "Surrendering the Secret" an abortion recovery bible study will be posting all week long a different thought regarding Sanctity of Human Life.
God is using her to help other women with the pain of abortion. Take a few moments to check out her web-blog, there you will find compassion and grace as she shares her heart.
Also grab the picture above and place it on your blog for the week...please. You never know who might be visiting and is holding on to "the secret."

Breaking News

2010-01-10T15:44:00.000-08:00

If you’ve dropped by from Traveling the Road Home “Welcome” and to my blogging friends, I’ve got some breaking news. Melinda over at Traveling the Road Home, asked me about a month ago, if I would like to take over the Blogger Pro Life Prayer Team that she started last January. After much prayer, I knew that this prayer team needed to continue; too many lives have been, and are going to be destroyed by abortion.
For those that don't know my story (God's Story) you can read about it by going to the left sidebar starting with My Secret Sin. You will see that abortion has touched my family's life. That is why I am so excited and honored to be able to continue in this corporate prayer.

What is this prayer team all about? It’s about those of us who believe that life is precious to God and want to do something about it. All you have to do is turn on the TV or read your daily newspaper and to see the word “abortion”. As believers we know the most important thing WE can do is… pray!

Can anyone be apart of it? Yes, if you are reading this post, then you can pray.

Does it cost anything to join? Yes, your time…5 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, you decided.

Every Monday, I will have posted something of interest that has to do with abortion, whether it is a personal story, political or one of the many other issues of how abortions affects us. I will also have a Scripture and end the post with a prayer. I hope that you will join me starting January 25, but until then stop over at Melinda's for visit.

Remember, prayer moves the heart of God!

Christmas Day

2009-12-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

A Day at the Rude's for Christmas

Christmas morning, stockings were to heavy for their holders.

Sadie not sure what's going on.

The family... standing: Ryan (my son), Debbie (my sister), Norman (father-in-law)

seated: me, Sydney with Sadie. Dan (my husband) is behind the camera

Ryan and Sydney

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T09:20:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all my blogging friends for your prayers.

(Our tree this year, thanks to my husband for taking the picture.)

Merry Christmas !

Trusting

2009-12-22T06:17:00.000-08:00

I don't think, I've prayed so much as I have in the last week. My heart is heavy, a burden I thought I would never carry, again.

But I know God is good and nothing takes Him by surprise, not even today. He knows the confusion in her heart and longs to show her the way. I have prayed, pleaded and wept, asking God for a miracle.

Dear Father,
I know Your ways are far beyond mine and Your thoughts much greater then I can comprehend. I will trust You always. Knowing that only goodness comes from You. You have heard my cry and now I lay my burden at Your feet. Amen.

ABBA FATHER

2009-12-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 41:8 For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.

No Shadow of Shame

2009-12-07T10:46:00.000-08:00

Psalm 34:5 Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

She was sad. It was hard for her to get out all the details, as she sat across from me. Knowing that I‘d been there, seem to ease her nervousness. Yet, most of the time she avoided eye contact and when she did, they were crying for help.

Abortion has that affect on those who’ve made the “choice.” At first, we find relief when the machine is finally turned off. We are told that we can get back to life as we knew it, but when morning comes, for many of us, life stands still. Many have told me they couldn’t stop crying. They want to make up for what they have done…“If only I could go back, I’d change it all.”

When I meet with someone whose pain is consuming them, my heart cries out to the Lord “Please Father, let them feel your arms embracing them right now. Let them hear of the hope that You have waiting for them.”

After our first meeting, I’m always afraid she won’t come back. I know who’s waiting for her as she leaves the center, it’s the enemy. The one who lead her to the clinic in the first place. But I also know the One who is far greater then Satan. I’ve seen it time and time again, as the Lord takes that heart of stone and places it in His hands to soften the pain. I’ve watched Him turn tears of shame into tears of joy because of His redeeming love and I'm about to see it happen, again.

It not easy facing your abortion but once you do, your abortion becomes the face of your child and that’s when the healing takes place.

Lies Women Believe...

2009-12-02T12:13:00.000-08:00

Teaching this chapter wasn’t easy, but I guess marriage can be a complicated subject when we all have our own opinions. Wait, that’s what makes it difficult… our opinions. Remember, we are talking about us, women, on this subject.

In the book Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, the author has some ways of letting us know its God who created this thing called…marriage.

All quotes are in blue from the author Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

1. I have to have a husband to be happy.

2. It is my responsibility to change my mate.

3. My husband is supposed to serve me.

4. If I submit to my husband, I’ll be miserable.

5. If my husband is passive, I’ve got to take the initiative, or nothing will get done.

6. Sometimes divorce is a better option than staying in a bad marriage.

What took place in the Garden of Eden thousands of years ago was not only an attack on God and on two people, it was an attack on marriage. Marriage was designed by God to reflect His glory and his redemptive purpose. In undermining that sacred institution, Satan struck a forceful blow at God’s eternal plan.

When I got married at the age of 18, my first thought was that my life wouldn’t be complete without a man and my second thought, how hard can this be? I have learned that no man makes me complete. But it’s because of come to the understanding that I was created to glorify God that makes me content in my marriage.

Second thought…It is hard.

2. It Is My Responsibility To Change My Mate.

When a wife is preoccupied with trying to correct her husband’s faults and flaws, she is taking responsibility God never intended her to have, and she will likely end up frustrated and resentful toward her husband and perhaps even toward God. She may also limit God from doing what he wants to do in changing her husband.

It is God who wants full control over our husbands. Our constant “reminders” will shut down our husbands’ heart, even to the point of not being willing to hear God. It’s our responsibility to respect our husbands even when we think they don’t deserve it.

3. My Husband is Suppose to Serve Me.

The Truth is that God did not make the man to be a “helper” to the woman. He made them to be a “helper” to the man.

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

I like to use myself as an example but I know that my husband reads my blog from time to time (smile) so I think my mom would be a better fit. Mom was not what you would call the “politically correct wife”. She loved being the helper and it showed. She would be right next to dad stacking wood for the winter or getting up at 3:30 in the morning to cook breakfast for the hunters, all fourteen of them, at deer season.
She even worked outside the home for a short while and never complained that dad didn’t help with supper. Fulfilling her role as the “helper” was honoring God. I didn’t know it at the time, but there was truth of who Jesus was by watching her.

4. If I Submit to My Husband, I’ll Be Miserable.

The struggle with submission is not unique to women of our day. In fact, that was the essence of the issue Eve faced back in the Garden of Eden. At the heart of the Serpent’s approach to Eve was this challenge: Does God have the right to rule your life? Satan said, in effect, “You can run your own life; you don’t have to submit to anyone else’s authority.”

This was and at times still is a BIG one for me! It wasn’t long after my heart started to change towards my husband when a test came. My son, Ryan, from my first marriage, was applying for college and wanted me to co-sign on a loan. I had mentioned this to my husband and to my surprise he said “Absolutely not!” At that moment, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I think I might have been showing some teeth, when I blurted out something like “Well, he’s my kid and I will if I want!” He responded “If you do, I will divorce you.”

Let me interject here. There was so much more to that conversation, but to not take up your time, let me say this... Ryan was never very responsible and Dan, my husband, knew it.

Back to the story, so as it turned out I didn’t sign and I wasn’t happy about. Through a chain of events, Ryan got his loan but lacked about a thousand dollars to meet his tuition. A business woman in our area, who had witnessed the changes that were taking place in our marriage, offered me a gift of $1000.00. She said that God had laid this on her heart and wanted Ryan to have it.

When I look back, I know that God blessed me because of how I submitted (I know that word can be unsettling) to my husband's authority. It’s not easy and I admitted I don’t always say “Yes, dear.”

Oh, and the outcome of my son education wasn’t good; he ended up dropping out after just 3 months.

Prayer Needed

2009-11-23T10:03:00.000-08:00

Would you say a prayer for my son, Ryan. He's in a very dark place right now.The battle for his soul is growing stronger.
Thank you for your prayers.

Morning Has Broken

2009-11-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

At the sound of the bell...well, not literally.

Dad pretended to be the bell that would sound off..."Ding, ding" for the wrestling match that was about to take place. My sister and I would shuffle to left, then to the right, pause for a moment to size each other up before we made our next move. Within seconds, we'd go round and round in circle until one of us got the perfect hold to bring our opponent to the ground. At that moment, dad would declare the winner...my sister!

Oh....this last month, I've been in a wrestling match and my sister was not the opponent. I've been going back and forth, round and round with doubt. My prayers felt like they were falling to the floor. I was searching His Word daily and coming up dry. I was telling God that I want more of Him yet I felt no connection. I started to compare myself with other bible teachers, bloggers and it seemed that every time I spoke, I was saying NOTHING! Satan was using some great moves. He almost had that perfect hold to bring me down. I was ready to throw in the towel. To step away from the abortion recovery ministry, to stop teaching our womens bible study at church and not be so vocal about my story (God's story)... but then GOD stepped in.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
       whose confidence is in him. ⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
       that sends out its roots by the stream.
       It does not fear when heat comes;
       its leaves are always green.
       It has no worries in a year of drought
       and never fails to bear fruit."

I had become relaxed in my walk with Him. Even though I was meeting with Him everyday, my roots were just laying on the surface. I wasn't trusting God with my whole heart. I started to believe that if I wasn't getting something amazing out of His word, that He was done using me. I had stepped into the enemy's arena and doubt had it's grip on me.

James 1:5-8 ( Amplified Bible) If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.
    ⁶Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.
    ⁷For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord,
    ⁸[For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].

I started listening to the lies, then I believed them and came very close to stepping over the line. Then God placed this on my heart...My Word is amazing every time you read it.

It was God who placed these ministries in my life, to serve Him and the enemy wanted nothing more then to destroy His plans. I confess that this isn't the first time I've been doubled-minded but it was the darkest.

I think there was two reasons God asked me to write with "no comments." First, was I going to be obedient. Second, the emails I've received, I was shown that this blog has always been about Him and I've just been the vessel. Receiving comments is His way of showing us that we are on the right path.

So, give Him the glory and leave a comment.

Thank you all for your prayers!

Lies Women Believe...

2009-11-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about Priorities in Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Set Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

All quotes are in blue from the author Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

1. I don't have time to do everything I'm supposed to do.

2. I can make it without consistent time in the Word and prayer.

3. A career outside the home is more valuable and fulfilling than being a wife and mother.

For the longest time, my priorities were completely out of order. First came my career, the dance studio, and everything else took a backseat. My marriage suffered with one ending in divorce and another about too. There was more times, then I would like to admit, of being out of town because of a dance competition. My career so important to me that I was willing to miss my son's birthdays. It's pretty sad wishing your son "Happy Birthday" on the phone and telling him you wish that you could be there, while on the other end he's crying " Its okay, Mommy." I had no time for my family and no time for God.

Satan knows that if he succeeds in getting us to live independently of the Word of God, we become more vulnerable to deception in every area of our lives.

Instead of the normal layout, God lead me in a different direction. He brought me to Luke 10:38-42 the famous sisters, Mary and Martha. As I was reading, I thought what if Martha had taken a few minutes at the feet of Jesus. Things might have gone smoother and Mary, most likely would've been by her side helping with the meal.
Martha could have removed the pots from the fire, they would've stayed warm. She could have covered the rolls with a piece of cloth to keep in the heat, then joined her sister at the feet of Jesus. But instead, she worried about getting every thing done, with no help from Mary, of course. She became so agitated, she even came to Jesus saying "Lord, doesn't it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work?" Was she as implying that what Mary was doing was unimportant? Maybe she was asking for permission to put "her" priorities before Him.

I love what Jesus says to her " My dear Martha, you are so upset over all these details! There is really only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it — and I won't take it away from her."

What are the priorities in your life?

Are you consumed by the things of this world? Are you serving the Lord but have become more focused on the details?

The things that consume us will only cause frustration, and worry when we put our priorities before His. True peace comes when your heart has been prepared by your Maker.

The Truth is, it is impossible for me to be the woman He wants me to be apart from my spending consistent time cultivating a relationship with Him, in the Word and prayer.

Lies Women Believe...

2009-11-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

Let's talk About Sin, I know, its not high on the conversation list. As Christians pointing out sin, some will say you are judging, you've offended them, or that certain sins aren't so bad. Nancy Leigh DeMoss, the author of Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, gives us great insight and speaks some hard Truth.

All quotes are in blue from the author Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

1. I can sin and get away with it.

2. My sin isn't really that bad.

3. God can't forgive what I have done.

4. I am not fully responsible for my actions and reactions.

5. I cannot walk in consistent victory over sin.

All deception is deadly. But no lies are more deadly than those Satan tells us about God and about sin. He tries to convince us that God is not who He says He is and that sin is not what He says it is.

Deciding on what to watch, read or listen, I would ask my daughter to check to see if it has a little dog poop in it. If you have never heard that phrase, take a moment, and click on Brownies...I'll wait. Now do you understand? That little bit of dog poop is the first brush with sin that eventually leads us down the wrong path.

Its not easy talking about what is right or wrong, moral or immoral because the simple fact is; it taste sweet and the first touch is very pleasing...for a short time. But here's how Nancy puts it:

The Truth is that sin is dangerous, deadly and destructive.

The Truth is that we will reap what we sow.

The Truth is that every choice we make today will have consequences.

The Truth is that if we play with fire, we will get burned.

The Truth is that "sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (James 1:15).

I think at times we put sin into categories. Meaning, your disobedience isn't as bad as your neighbors but God says that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 8:23). Yes, we are all sinners but once Christ comes into our lives we are not to stand shoulder to shoulder with sin.

Ephesians 5:3-7 Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God. You can be sure that no immoral, impure, or greedy person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God. For a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world.
Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him. Don’t participate in the things these people do.

How do you feel about going to a baby shower for a unwed mother? In today society, no one blinks a eye when invited to a bridal shower for those who live together or a baby shower for an unwed mother. A few years ago, I struggled with this decision when someone I love, and care about found herself pregnant with her second child and no husband, claiming to be a christian. Now, before you get too upset with me, please hear me out. First, I'm so grateful that she didn't aborted either child and made the right choice, to give these children life.
Some said "It's not the baby's fault." They're right. But when you think about it, the baby has no idea whats going on in the first place. This was also said to me, " We need to show this woman that we love her, support her and help her with the necessitates in raising a child."
I responded with, "I do love her, support her and will help her in raising this child but I cannot participate in the celebration when there was no lifestyle change." This is always a difficult decision for me whenever I'm invite to a shower but its one that I must stand by. After the baby was born I went for a visit, along with bearing gifts.

I have to admit this has not been a easy subject to write about, so I will leave you with this:
If only we could see that every single sin is a big deal, that every sin is an act of rebellion and cosmic treason, that every time we choose our way instead of God's way, we are revolting against the God and King of the universe.

Every time we choose to give in to the flesh, rather than yielding to the Spirit of God, we allow sin to gain mastery over us. On the other hand, every time we say yes to the Spirit, we give Him greater control of our lives.

Sin has been around for a long time, in fact, from the first moment Eve decide to put her feelings ahead of the Truth. God was not surprised by her rebellion and He's not surprise by mine. That's why He has made a way through His Son, Jesus Christ, to be forgiven and live eternally.

Walk and Live in Victory:
1. Seek the power of the Holy Spirit and read daily the Word of God.
2. Stay away from tempting situations
3. Seek help from the body of Christ to make you accountable and to pray for you.

This is the reason you will not find a place to leave "your comments." Can I be honest, this time the no comments might be a good thing. :)

No Comments

2009-10-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

I've been restless in my walk with God in the last few months. My prayers have felt like they were going nowhere and my time in His Word was just "going through the motions." I couldn't seem to put my finger on it or maybe I was just refusing to listen. Either way, He got my attention today. You see, I've been seeking the praises of men (women) when it comes to my blogging. I can't even begin to tell you how many times in one day I check to see if a new comment has been left. Comments on ones' blog may not be an issue for you, but for me, it is. I've put my self worth in how many comments I've been receiving. I've been more eager to run to the computer then grabbing my bible and spend quality time with the Lord.

God made it very clear to me that this new found ministry is for His Glory and not mine. He asked if I would be willing to continue writing but receive no comments. I liked to say that I eagerly said "Yes, Lord whatever you want" but that would be lying. I sat there for awhile trying to think of another way to reason with Him but I knew in my heart your comments have become my god.

I never want anything to come before my precious Lord...its the little foxes that spoil the vine.

I hope that you all understand and will continue to visit. Your comments have encouraged me and I have felt loved by them. You have become my friends.
I'm not sure how long the "no comments" will be posted... I'm leaving that up to Him.

Lies Women Believe...

2009-10-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

Chapter Three from the book Lies Women Believe And The Truth that Sets Them Free spoke volume to me, especially the last three.

All quotes are in blue from the author Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

1. I’m not worth anything.

2. I need to learn to love myself.

3. I can’t help the way I am.
4. I have rights.
5. Physical beauty matters more than inner beauty.
6. I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings.

4. I have rights.

Nancy makes this statement “Women have been told that demanding their rights was the ticket to happiness and freedom. After all, “If you don’t stand up for your rights, no one else will!” However, I am convinced that the claiming of rights has produced much, if not most, of the unhappiness women experience today.”

Claiming my rights put me in bondage. I was told that if my husband wasn’t making my life a bed of roses, will then, I had the “right” to find someone who would. The world shouts “it’s your body and if you don’t want to have the baby, you have a right to have an abortion.” I exercised my right…I had an abortion. The lie was I had the right to do whatever made me happy, but the truth...I was miserable!

Then I read this “The fact is, successful relationships and healthy cultures are not built on the claiming of rights but on the yielding of rights” I thought, Nancy, you've hit the nail on the head.

Philippians 2:5-8 Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

Our attitude needs to be a servant’s attitude. Jesus displayed a servant’s heart. He laid aside His deity and surrendered His will “rights” to a horrid death for our sins. We often excuse our selfness, pride and evildoings as “our rights.” When we act on our rights we can be sure that death will follow…death to our marriage, death to a child, and death to ourselves.

5. Physical beauty matters more then inner beauty.

This message is one our culture preaches in earnest to girls and women, beginning in earliest childhood. It comes at us from virtually every angle: television, movies, music, magazines, books and advertisements.

Yep, this one was talking to me!
Up until a few years ago, my outward appearance was way too important. I worked so hard on the outside that I ignored the inside and it showed. Life was about me. My hair had to be just right, makeup needed to look prefect, and my clothes screamed..."Look at me!" There were times; I would have 5 or 6 outfits lying in front of me because I couldn’t decide which one looked the best. My god was to be physically beautiful, and it became the lie, but the older I've become the more I’m aware of this truth.

I Peter 3: 3-4 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

So, last week as I was preparing for Wednesday night bible class, God told me to present these three lies with no make up. At first I thought I didn't hear right and I told myself it was a prideful thought, no one is going to care one way or another, if I have makeup on. But the closer it got to our bible study, I knew God was calling me to obedience. I tried to negotiate about wearing a touch of mascara and lip gloss but He wasn't going for it.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

Now some of you might think “no big deal” but for me it made my stomach turn. I felt naked, like every flaw was showing, as I stood in front of the class. My heart was pounding, because my church family had ever seen me without my "face" on. At one point, I looked down hoping to find my makeup bag lying at my feet, like when Abraham saw the ram in the bushes, but no makeup bag was to be found.Yes, I did survive the night. You may be wondering if I've given up working on the outside...no, but I've learned that makeup is just the icing on the cake not the foundation to who we really are.

6. I should not have to live with unfulfilled longings.

We are encouraged to identify our longings and do whatever is necessary to get those “needs” met. Therefore…if you’re hungry, eat. If you want something you can’t afford, charge it. If you crave romance, dress or act in a way that will get men to notice you. I you’re lonely, share your heart with that married man at work.

Colossians 3:2 Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.

We will always have unfulfilled longings this side of heaven. Let me just say, no one person or earthly thing will ever bring us to completion. We must learn to surrender our longings to God and allow Him to fill us.

Ben Stein's Confession

2009-10-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

Remarks from CBS Sunday Morning - Ben Stein

I Only hope we find GOD again before it is too late ! !

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish.. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against.. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her 'How could God let something like this happen?' (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, 'I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?'

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Lies Women Believe...

2009-10-14T09:58:00.000-07:00

In Chapter 2 of Lies Women Believe... Nancy listed six lies the enemy uses about God, I will be discussing the a last three.
All quotes are in blue from this book.

Here's the list of all six lies:

1. God is not really good

2. God doesn't love me

3. God is just like my father
4. God is not really enough

5. God's ways are too restrictive

6. God should fix my problems

Lie #4 God is not really enough

Just before our bible classes on Wednesday nights, many of us go to the sanctuary for prayer, and worship. As the words left my mouth, my heart became overwhelmed knowing that my God was enough. But when
we walk out the door, and enter into the world, if we're not careful things can change. In our heart we want God to be enough, but somehow Satan draws our attention, just like he did with Eve, to the one thing that we can't or don't have.

In my early Christian walk, I use to sit in the balcony at church, but I found that all my attention went to the lady walking down the aisle with the great looking shoes (I love shoes) or my eyes would search for the latest haircut. Do you see where I'm going with this? Satan will use the smallest things to take your eyes off from Jesus, he wants you to believe that Christ isn't enough to satisfy your needs, even the smallest ones.

Now, it's not wrong to have nice things or meaningful relationships in our lives. God has given us the desire for those things, but it's when WE place them in the emptiness of our heart, which is only meant for Him, that the lie begins... God is not really enough.

Lie #5 God's ways are too restrictive

Over and over again, the Scripture teaches that God's laws are for our good and our protection. Obedience is the pathway to freedom. but Satan places in our minds the idea that God's laws are burdensome, unreasonable, and unfair, and the if we obey Him we will be miserable.

Deuteronomy 6:24-25 And the Lord our God commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear him so he can continue to bless us and preserve our lives, as he has done to this day. For we will be counted as righteous when we obey all the commands the Lord our God has given us.

God has given us boundaries because He knows what is best for us. He created us. Okay, so you've heard that before, but it's true. I can think of at least a million times, well maybe not a million, that I have disobey God. Okay, I'm sure it's been a least it a million, and the outcome, lets just say I have many regrets. The key to freedom in our flesh... is living out God's Word.

James 1:22-25 But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

Every time that I look into a mirror and something isn't right, I fix it! Which means I have to DO an action. I can stand in front of the mirror ( listening to the Word) all day but if I don't correct it, my problem will still be there. So, instead of saying " We're only human and we're going to make mistakes." Let us say
"I'm a child of God and my Father will give me the strength to do what is right."

Lie # 6 God Should Fix My Problems

First, it reduces God to a cosmic genie who exists to please and serve us, a hired servant who comes running to wait on us every time we ring the bell. Second, it suggests that the goal in life is to be free from all problems, to get rid of everything that is difficult or unpleasant.

When troubles or trials come it's an opportunity to live out God's Word. My marriage was a mess, it was in trouble and if God didn't do something about this marriage, this too was going to fail. My first marriage fell apart after ten years. Growing up, I had seen a life lived out of just what a wife should be to her husband ( my mom was a great role model) but being a liberated woman, it was a role I wasn't going to fill. I lived a life of misery for twelve years scheming, complaining, plotting and digging my heels into the ground waiting for my husband to change. But what I discover was that God only needs a willing heart that wants to be obedient to His Word.

So, one night after several meetings with a pastor and many tears, I heard God speak to my heart. After a big fight with my husband, I screamed at God telling Him to do something because I was sick and tried of my husband's attitude. And God's responds was " I'm going through you to get to him." I pretended I didn't hear it, but I knew what He meant, and from that day forward I started being a doer of the Word.

Dan and I have been married for 22 years, and content because we've learned to do it God's way.

Worth the Visit

2009-10-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, Lisa Shaw has a new blog His Love Covers Our Sin s that is worth the visit. She has a heart for hurting women, women who have been affected by abortion(s).
During your visit, you will find no condemnation, just alot of love and a voice that says "I've been there."

It's All About Him

2009-10-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

This place wasn't unfamiliar to me, but this time it was different. The stage was simple, there was no elaborate backdrop. The music that was playing was filled with words of praise and the hands of the audience were lifted high in full surrender to the All Mighty God.

I too, had my palms facing toward Heaven with expectancy, and thanksgiving, for the new life that He had given me. A life with no more shame. The more I praised Him, the more I knew I was right where I belonged, in the audience and not on the stage.

Every year as I was growing up, I would perform my dance routines on this very stage. Twirling and moving around in a beautiful costume, just waiting to hear the applause from my parents and friends that had been invited. And when the final curtain call came, I would take my bow, and listen for the sound of praise that some how exalted me. But it didn't stop there, I wanted more, I want to be my dance teacher.

So there I was, years later behind that same curtain, waiting to make my grand entrance not as a dance student, but as Miss Tammy, the dance teacher. I longed to hear the crowd's approval and for a moment, I would be in MY glory.

But as I stood in the theater two weeks ago with over 500 women from around the state of New York, who had traveled to our yearly Assemblies of God Conference, God spoke these words to me:

You are now exalting Me and no longer exalting yourself. And I believe He said that with a smile.

Truth or Consequence

2009-09-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

Our class this week was about Truth or Consequence (chapter 1) from the book “Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free.”

All quotes are in blue from this book.

Most of us don’t mind hearing a little bit of truth, but the whole truth, now that can make us uncomfortable. When Truth is spoken you can be sure that Satan will stir up trouble. He might make you believe that you are being judged by another “sinner.” Or he may offer up the question “Did God really say?”

We need to be very aware of the enemy’s lies. To know when deception has been wrapped beautiful with a small amount of Truth. Remember, he weaved in truth with deception as he was tempting Jesus in the desert. Satan, by no means, would never place something before anyone that would be ugly and unappealing, now would he. If we are honest, there’s a certain aroma of pleasure when we are being tempted. The smell, it’s alluring. The taste, it’s so sweet. You can even feel it in the air. But once you're there, darkness begins to consume you and death closes in. It’s not what you expected. You now find yourself even farther from the Truth.

Nancy makes this statement “listening to a viewpoint that was contrary to God’s word put Eve on a slippery slope that led to disobedience, which led to physical and spiritual death.”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve stood in front the serpent listening to his sales pitch, and then believing it, and finally, acting on it. Big mistake! It lead me away from God. Eventually, I found a place where no one would see my shame. No one, but God. Just like in the garden, God called out “Where are you?” Now, he knew where I was. But He calls out to us, so that we will realize just how hidden we’ve become.

So, where do we hide? Could it be in the movies we are watching, magazines that we are reading or television shows that tell us there is no "absolute Truth." I sure did like my soap operas and Jackie Collin novels. They took me to a place that made me feel good and reminded just how much I hated my married life. Oh, an during that time, my marriage was going down a slippery slope. And yes, I was a Christian.

Nancy writes "every act of sin in our lives begins with a lie."

I bought into the lies of the enemy and have dealt with the consequences. It took me along time to realize how Satan deceived me, and he even made me believe that he really didn't exist.

So, what I've learned along the way, is by listening to ideas or thoughts that don't line up with God's Truth sets us on the path to destruction.

Here's a piece of truth that God has placed in my heart... The Truth is what brings us to God as we leave ourselves behind.

The truth is Jesus came to testify to the truth. (John 18:37)
The truth is the path WE choose may seem right (Proverbs 14:12)
The truth is His Word sanctifies us. (John 17:17)

John 8:31-32 (Message) Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. "If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you."
Are you willing to live out God's Truth?

Convinced

2009-09-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday was our first women’s bible class for the fall season. I, along with my friend Debbie, will have the privilege teaching from the book “Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Set Them Free” by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, I highly recommend this book. I hope to share with you in the weeks to come my thoughts that I will be presenting to the class.

Genesis 3:6 The woman was convinced. The fruit looked so fresh and delicious, and it would make her so wise! So she ate some of the fruit. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. Then he ate it, too

As I was reading this verse, this statement got my eye…The woman was convinced.

I was convinced that the grass was greener on the other side. That’s why my first marriage ended after 10 years and my second was spinning out of control until the Truth grabbed my heart. I was convinced that the night life would fulfill me rather then home life. Through all these feelings, and that is just what they are, feelings, I was convinced.

Instead of writing the rest of this message, I have attempted to video tape. Enjoy.

I'd like to thank my husband for putting together these videos, especially the blooper.
As you can see, he was quite amused with the "clearing my throat" which he added three times :(

Just Wondering

2009-08-31T04:05:00.000-07:00

I believe that many of us are curious, yet afraid, to ask the question " Why would someone choose to have an abortion, especially when they claimed to be Christan."
Several months ago I received this email and with her permission I would like to share it with you. To protect her privacy I will refer her to : Just Wondering

(if anyone has a question, general or personal, about this subject please don't hesitate to ask. You can send me a email or leave it in your comment.)

You may not know me, but I attend your church First Assembly of God. I remember you talked about healing a broken marriage and how you were able to make it through some really hard times together. I saw your website, and I have some questions. Why do people chose abortion rather than adoption? I can understand if your life is in danger or the child may be severely deformed. I believe that a woman should have a choice because no child should be brought into this world 'unwanted.' However, I have had three pregnancies - two were miscarried. My last miscarriage was in January of 2009. Since then, I have looked into oversees adoption, but the cost is ridiculous, and $20,000 is a modest estimate when all is said and done. My husband and I have taken classes at DSS to adopt locally, but things kept interfering. We asked God for His wisdom and His will in our lives and these 'interruptions' were our answer. So, why do women chose abortion rather than giving the child up for adoption? We would love to offer a child the security of a 2 parent family and the love that God has given us to share.

Signed,

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering,

Yes, I do remember you and I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you ...no excuses, just life is busy. Your question is a good one and I wish I had one perfect answer, but I don't.

Women choose abortion for many reasons. It may be they are afraid to tell their parents, her parents are embarrassed that their daughter is pregnant, or the boyfriend has walked away. The real reason is 75% have abortions because it will interfere with their lives and plans, sad but true!

Which leads me into your comment ..."I can understand if your life is in danger or the child may be severely deformed. I believe that a woman should have a choice because no child should be brought into this world 'unwanted". This comment is so common, so please don't be offended with what I'm about to say. I used to believe the same thing, that if there was a "real” reason to have an abortion, then we should have the right to choose and it needs to be legal...but that is a lie from Satan himself.

Only 1% of all abortions occur because of incest, rape or fetal abnormalities, and 4% are due to health issues. Shocking isn't it? No child is "unwanted." Someone is willing to love that child, and your desire to adopt proves that.

To be adopted is a wonderful gift for any woman could give her child, and I'm living proof because I was adopted. When I meet with girls at the CPC where I volunteer, this is their reaction to the suggestion of adoption. "I could never carry my baby for 9 months and then give it up" and that statement follows this "I'm going to have an abortion. I can't have a baby; it's not the right time." The conflicting statements don't make a lot of sense, do they?

We, as a community, don't encourage adoption. And you're right, it is so expensive.

When I had my abortion, it was for no other reason than "I didn't want to have a baby". When I meet women like my old self, they too wish that they could go back and take the child(ren) that was aborted, kiss their precious face, and hear them say "Mommy". I regret taking the life of my child and now believe that abortion shouldn't ever be a 'choice' ... period.

I hope this gives you some clarity on why women have abortions. If you have any more questions, please email or grab me at church.

I will be praying that the Lord gives you your heart's desire to have another child.

BloodMoney....Must see!

2009-08-24T03:47:00.000-07:00

Received this in my email from Abortion Recovery InterNational.

Stacy Massey writes:

"An amazing father and son team:David and Nick Kyle have put together a new
movie called Bloodmoney, that will literally knock your socks off.  I don't want
to share much more than that... you watch the trailer and be the judge...."

By Their Testimony

2009-08-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

Revelation 12:11
And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb
and by their testimony.

Our testimony is a declaration of the situations God has brought us through.

I wonder why it's so hard to tell others where we've been. I remember the first time standing in front of a group of women sharing how God healed my marriage. I was baring my soul right down to the last detail, well, not quite. There was one secret I was never going to share. It was the reason I chose to have an abortion, to keep it a secret, because if I had chosen to do the adoption plan there would've been to many questions. I wasn't ready to face the questions, but little did I know that it would be much harder to face the secret.

A couple of years later, God gave me another opportunity to share my testimony but this time my husband was standing at my side. We were involved with the marriage ministry at our church. One of our pastors was having classes on marriage and asked if we would give our testimony. So, there we both stood as a couple, telling of how God took this hopeless marriage and gave it hope. I had become very comfortable, actually you could say unashamed of how awful our marriage was until we got to the part that had never been uncover...our abortion.

We had discuss early that it was time to expose this secret, it was a part of us and it needed to be told.

Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I could feel a heaviness pressing against my chest and my legs became weak. I thought to myself "Am I going to pass out?" Then I felt my husband's arm starting to tighten around my waist as he took over to tell of the horrible sin we had committed. Within minutes our story had come to an end and God's Story was beginning.

My eyes scanned the room, and what I saw next was so unexpected. Those who were listening were still there. Some were smiling as if to encourage us, and others had tears in their eyes telling us that they,too were mourning our lost. At the end of our testimony, some approached us comforting us with words, while others offered us a hug. From that day on I knew I needed to share my story (God's Story) in order to have victory over the enemy.

Some of you have asked how it went last week in giving my testimony. Well, I didn't lose my breath and my legs were strong as I shared the secret that was once hidden. The room was very quiet and from what I could see ( the lights were in my eyes) no one was moving. This is a subject that doesn't get much of a response outwardly, however I know that God's Word never comes back void.

So, I believe He's working in someone's heart who was there that night listening to my story and thinking...I'm not the only one.

Do you remember when He stirred your heart to uncover the sin that once kept you captive?

Telling My Secret

2009-08-05T05:42:00.001-07:00

At church tonight we will showing the movie "Tilly" before I share my testimony. Tilly is a powerful story of a mother who find forgiveness from God and her child that she aborted 9 years ago. There are events that take place that pushes her secret to surface which brings on a dream. In this dream she meets her daughter in a heaven and for the first time holds her, not just in her arms but also in her heart. It's very powerful!

God used this story 11 years ago to speak to my heart about my secret sin. Please pray that those who are dealing with this loss will not run from the Cross but to it.

Find Rest

2009-08-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

^28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
God's way is:
Not demanding but delightful
Not tiring but refreshing
Not frustrating but peaceful
Not restless but restful

He Delights in Us

2009-07-24T13:43:00.001-07:00

The Lord delights in us. The Creator of the Universe takes great pleasure…in us.

I liked you to take a moment to think of something you delight in. Something that bring you great joy. Go ahead and take a minute, I’ll wait.

Now that you’ve had time to think. What is it that you find delight in? Could it be your child(ren) or the warmth of the sun touching your face? Maybe hearing the voice of a loved one who calls unexpectedly. How about a evening with your spouse?

I don’t know about you, but for me, all of those things have brought great pleasure. But I must be honest, it’s hard to wrap my mind around the thought that God would delight in me. I’ve done a lot of stupid things. Things, that I know have caused great heartache to my Abba Father.

From the very beginning, scripture tells us this is true. He DELIGHTS in us!

Do you believe it? You should. Because He created you.

Psalm 139:13
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb

I know what your thinking, something like this? “There are times when I struggle with who I am'’. Well, there are times when I too struggle with the way God made me. From being shorter then what I would like, to the times I speak in boldness afraid I’ve over stepped that line of offending. Yet, God has showed me that He can use people like me. And I know He can use you too!

2 Samuel 22:20 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Knowing God rejoices over us causes us to run to Him in times of trouble. We then are willing to trust Him to lead us down the path that He has chosen for us.

When we embrace that God delight in us…it changes everything!

Family and Disney

2009-07-13T11:02:00.001-07:00

Waiting for our food at a 50’s restaurant

An unexpected hug

Another hug

Being silly!

Getting her day started

Mother and daughter

The man behind the camera…my husband

The day has ended.

Disney and Friendships

2009-07-10T15:15:00.001-07:00

Our vacation has come and gone. We had a great time. The weather was hot. The food was plentiful, I gain 4 pounds! The rides were a blast, at least that's what my husband and daughter told me. Going round and round and up and down isn’t my thing. So, I’m that person you pass on the way to your ride whose waiting for her family. Going to Disney was fun and memorable but I had a added bonus to my trip.

I got to meet a special friend who I was introduced to through my blog. During our vacation I made plans with Lisa from Sharing Life with Lisa to have some girl time. It was such a blessing to visit with someone who is like-minded. I love how she’s not afraid to speak the truth or how she declares her love for Jesus without any apologies. Her smile is infectious and her heart is genuine. We shared so much that day, it was like we had been girlfriends for a lifetime. It’s a day I will always remember and cherish.

The minute I saw her in the lobby at the resort where my family was staying, I knew she was a friend for life! Our lives that once were so separate, God has knitted into a beautiful friendship.

Lisa, you have blessed my life!

It's in the Paper

2009-06-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

My story (God's Story) finally made it in our local paper Press and Sun-Bulletin.

http://www.pressconnects.com/article/20090629/NEWS01/90629002/%E2%80%98Choice++workshops+help+women+heal

the link didn't work again :( go ahead a paste it.

I give God all the glory!
Gotta run, off to Florida, will be back July 7...see you then.

Disney...Plus

2009-06-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

In a few days my family and I will be taking a vacation to Florida for 9 days. We will be flying down and doing the whole Disney plan. We figured this might be our last chance to have a family vacation seeing Sydney is now 16 and parents have taken a back seat. You know, we aren't as cool as her friends :)

I thank God for blessing us with this trip during this tough time. He as also given me as added bonus, I will be spending one full day with my friend, Lisa from SharingLifeWithLisa . I love how God brought this sweet lady into my life and now He has set up this special day for us to meet.

Oh, if I cross your mind, please send up a prayer for me...I hate to fly!

PS. I tried to put a hyperlink on Lisa's site and it highlighted my whole post. Yet, when I tried to click on it, it doesn't work. I don't think I will ever understand technical part. :(

Thanks, Edie!

2009-06-24T05:11:00.000-07:00

For several months I've been noticing blog buttons and thought that I would like one. Oh, let's be honest, there was a little coveting going on in my heart. So, a few weeks ago as I was strolling through blogland, my friend Edie over at Rich Gifts was having a giveaway.

I didn't need a makeover, a blog makeover at least, but I sure wanted a button. Never thinking I would win, again (she did my blog makeover) I left a comment as the directions had instructed and I won!

Now if you have room on your blog and would like to display my blog button (that has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) it's to your right. Oh sorry, that was the flesh talking.

If you haven't ever visited Edie's blog, may I suggest that you stop by and see how God is using her talents to bless others.

God 's Done It, Again!

2009-06-15T12:28:00.000-07:00

God has opened another door. In our newspaper, we have a lady who writes about people in our community called "Our Neighbors". I sent out a email to her last week to see if she would be interested in writing my story and about our abortion recovery program. Well, yesterday I received a response saying "I would be honored to write about your experience and the group program."

I couldn't believe it!

So, Monday at 1:00pm she will be interviewing me at my home. My prayer has always been that my story (God's Story) would let others know that they are not alone and there is help. That holding on to a secret can keep you in a stand still. I often think about the woman and her obedience to God's calling, offering an abortion recovery bible study at my church over 10 years ago. She bravely shared her story about her three abortions with no condemnation. I remember thinking...I want that freedom, that came from her voice.

Now,I have that same freedom. Come Monday, I will be using my voice to proclaim of God's goodness!

She Showed Me Happiness

2009-06-13T06:21:00.001-07:00

I stood there for a moment, in the doorway of the hospital room where my mother laid staring at the ceiling. The medal brace that was holding her neck in place, looked so confining. I had never seen her so still. I remember looking at dad as if to say “How is she going to possibly get through this? How are you going to get through this?” Holding back the tears, I walked over to her bedside, and gently touched her hand. “Mom, how are you doing?” I asked. “Oh, honey, I’m alright” she said.

Soon after my arrival, the doctor stopped by with the news. He explained that the first two vertebra's in her neck had been broken and that it was a miracle she was walking. He proceeded to instructed us on how to care for her and made it a point to let us know that the road to recovery would be a long one. With a confidence in his voice he made this statement “She’ll be wearing this neck brace for year or so.” Knowing mom, I’m sure she was thinking…but I know the Great Physician and in His time I will be healed.

( She was completely heal after 8 months and no brace was needed!)

Mom had been home about a month after the accident when I noticed that she seemed to be depressed, which had never been a part of her life. There was a sadness in her eyes, sadness I’d never seen, so I asked her what’s wrong. “You seem so unhappy, it’s not like you, mom”. That’s when she looked at me with tears in her eyes and with a broken voice replied “I can’t read my bible because of this brace.” I immediately jumped up and went looking for her bible. There it laid, right next to her rocking chair were she had left it before the accident. Returning to the table, I sat down and began reading God’s Word to her. In a instant, her smile had returned. I could see the tears being replaced with joy and the darkness had disappeared .

It didn’t take long for us to figure a way to place the bible in front of her, so that she could spend time with her Father. Reading His Word was a daily lifeline for her. Every morning she would sit in her chair with her bible and devotions in her lap to learn more about our wonderful Creator. Then she would bow her head and begin her conversation with Abba Father.

I’m not sure why God blessed me with this wonderful mother, but I will be forever grateful. I learned on that day what my mother already knew; happiness doesn’t come by the way you feel but by Who you know.

The Call Came

2009-06-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

The call finally came. The one I had been waiting for to tell me if my letter would be publish in our local paper. About a month and half ago there on the front page of our newspaper were these words ”Obama: Open minds needed on abortion debate”.

After reading the article, God started to nudge me to share apiece of my story (God’s Story) with the readers in our community. So, this letter to the editor will appear in a few days in our local paper.

Open minds needed

Obama says open minds are needed in the abortion debate. So, with an open-mind, would you be willing to read my story?

Abortion not only claims the lives of pre-born babies, it devastates the lives of women who made this choice. I know because 20 years ago, I had an abortion. I walked into that clinic with an open mind, believing what they told me: This was my right as a woman. It would be be a simple procedure and I could go on with my life. I only half-believed that it was just a "blob of tissue."

Instead, my abortion haunted me for years. Shame, guilt, anger and depression had devastating affects on my family and me. I've since gone through an abortion recovery program and experienced the healing and forgiveness of Jesus. I'm no longer ashamed, but I will always regret my choice.

I pray that President Obama's girls will never face this choice.

Tammy Rude

abortion recovery coordinator

Life Choices Center

In Memory of…

2009-05-30T18:18:00.001-07:00

Today, I witness the Lord turn 9 women's sorrow into dancing. I had the honor to be a part of another memorial for “Beyond the Choice” abortion recovery.

I remember that day, the day I acknowledge the emptiness in my heart. He was gone because of my right to “choose”. I would never be able to smell his sweetness after his morning bath or to hold him close so he could hear that familiar sound, my heartbeat. It was hard to admit that I had taken his life, the life that I was to protect.

Looking at the table and seeing all the candles lit in memory of the children, waves of emotion started to take over. It never gets easier watching the ladies reach for the smaller candle to receive the light from the flame of the larger one (representing Jesus) for their child(ren). Then as they turn to face family and friends, I felt their fear, to admit the secret openly for the first time as the tears well up in their eyes and heart. Some read letters to their little ones, others wrote a poem and one sing a song, a lullaby perhaps, to quiet the pain. As each one of them walked back to their seats, they now had the freedom to love their child(ren) and not the shame that once filled their hearts.

God has placed me in an amazing place despite my rebellion. God reached into my alabaster box removing my will and replaced it with His.

In Memory of the Children

Christian	Joshua
Joseph	Caleb
Joshua	Donna
Joshua	Dylan
Grace	Daniel
Demetre	Abigail
Andrew

40 Days for Life

2009-05-19T06:41:00.000-07:00

Grab this button over at my friend, Pam. Life is precious!

She Showed Me Faith

2009-05-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

Being adopted as been a true blessing from God. I wouldn’t have the faith that I have today if it wasn’t for my adopted mother. In the next couple of weeks I would like to share with you how this woman’s faith affected my life. Some of these moments I’ve already written about, but I believe they are worth repeating.

Both of my parents are deceased. My dad has been gone for 8 years and mom went home to be with the Lord 6 years ago. My dad was a loving father but he was a worldly man, relying on his own strength. He believed that when you died, you went into the ground and that was that. He never stood in the way of us going to church, yet on the other hand he never had much good to say about it, either.

Then there was mom, not strong in size but steadfast in her faith with God. I can still remember her smile and the sweetness in her voice. Not a day went by that she didn’t spend time with the Lord.

She was a wise woman. She led a simple life. She never demanded anything that would put the focus on herself. Her words were always kind, her home was always welcoming, and her life displayed the love of Jesus. She had many trials in her life. In the book of James, we are told to consider it “pure joy” when we are faced with trials. By having trials in our life, it causes our faith to grow and prepares us for anything.

It was the day before Easter in the year of 2000 when she fell in the bathtub at the age of 84. On Easter morning she arose with a black eye, her left arm badly bruised, and extreme pain in her neck. She didn’t complain and began putting the final touches to the afternoon dinner that we would be sharing as a family.

Upon my arrival there was mom standing at the kitchen sink. I couldn’t believe what I saw. As she turned around to welcome me, she looked like someone had fit her with a baseball bat, but there was that sweet smile of hers along with this greeting “Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.” Half way through dinner I could see she was in a lot of pain with every lift of the fork, so I convinced her to let me take her to the emergency room. She replied “Okay, but let me finish my dessert.”

We arrived at the hospital, filled out the paper work, had all the necessary testing done and waited for the results. Hours later, which I’m sure was only minutes, the doctor was giving her the news that she had broken the first two vertebras in her neck and instructed her to lay perfectly still and this was her response “Well, at least I didn’t break my glasses” ending with giggle.

You see, mom had gone blind in her left eye a few years back and her good eye was no good without her glasses. After the doctor left, I asked her why she had made that comment. With a smile on her face she said “I pray every night that God will continue to give me sight from my good eye and He did.” I must have had a puzzled look on my face, so she continued “Well, if I had broken my glasses then I wouldn’t have been able to see.”

She laid there with a broken neck not knowing what the future would bring and she wasn’t worried. Wait a minute, she did know what to expect and rested in the palm of His hands.

Purple Envelope Project

2009-05-13T12:26:00.000-07:00

This link was sent to me by a friend from our CPC and thought you might be interested.
http://www.purpleenvelopeproject.blogspot.com

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T03:35:00.001-07:00

This is the woman who taught me to love the Lord with all of my heart,soul and strength. This is my mom... I wasn't placed under her heart but in it.

She went home to be with the Lord 6 years ago.

We're Celebrating

2009-05-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

It was 22 years ago today that I said "I do" and promise to until death do us part. For the first 12 years of our marriage, I wanted to undo my "I do" and almost did.

Oh, the things I would have missed out on and the lives of the children would've been turned upside down if we had walked away. But we didn't. God has taken this marriage and has brought it to a place of contentment. Our marriage isn't perfect, but that's what makes it so special because its then I get to see the amazing hand of God work in our lives.

Danny, I love you and I promise to "until death do us part".

God and Mom...Together

2009-05-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

Adopted

2009-05-05T09:07:00.001-07:00

This Sunday as a nation we will be honoring our mothers. Some of us have fond memories, while others are left with sadness in our heart because of the relationship we didn’t have. Mother’s day has always been difficult for me. Not because of my relationship with my mom, but because I was adopted at the age of two. I have always known my biological mother, and if you were to ask me “is that a good thing?” I would answer you “I’m not sure.”

Some have asked the question “What does it feel like to be adopted?” I simply answer “I don’t know any different.” I’ve always known that I was adopted. As a young child, I would introduce my biological mother as my sister. In my teen years she became known to others as my friend. Today when I speak of her, I say “she is my biological mother”.

Many who’ve known, or have seen a picture of my birth mother, say I look a lot like her. Some have even said “the apple didn’t fall far from tree.” I’ve often wondered where and who I would have been if I had been raised by her.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful that she ‘chose’ to give me life, and knowing her somehow has given me a sense of identity. It must have been excruciating for her on the day she handed me over to the couple I now call “mom and dad.” I’ll always love her because of her unselfishness.

Many years have passed since that day of sacrifice on her part. You could say her dreams came to an end, while mine were just beginning. She has tried to stay connected through visits, birthday cards, and telephone calls. But if you were to eavesdrop on our conversations, you would know that we are from two different worlds. Even though she claims to know Jesus, and I believe she does, I often wondered if she REALLY knows Jesus. Please understand, I’m not judging her heart but I remember when I lived a very gray life.

There was a time when I was a picker and chooser of God’s Word. I picked and choose what I felt was right for me, which as we all know, doesn’t lead to the abundant life. I believe that today you could say I’m a very black and white person when it comes to God’s Word.

Do I believe that all the words written in that wonderful book are God breathed? YES! The bible is a precious love letter from God.

My life now is about pleasing God, to do His will and the plans that He has set before me. I’ve been raised by a mother who demonstrated through her words and actions to love the Lord with all of our heart, soul and strength. I’ve come to understand that when you mix God’s Word with the ways of the world, you start living with this mind-set;

“You have your way of thinking and I have mine, so let’s not judge each other.”

So, let me ask you … Is it judging when you state the righteousness of God?

Because of God

2009-05-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Every time when I sit across from a woman who is broken and a shamed…I’m reminded.

Every time when I watch the tears flow from her eyes, I know she’s finally stopped trying to forgive herself and has embraced God’s forgiveness…I’m reminded.

Every time when I watch another woman walk away after weeks of uncovering her secret sin, I know that God has a special plan for her…I’m reminded.

If you are visiting from Christian Women Online...“Welcome and please look around.”

I am honored and humbled to be able to share my story, God’s Story, with the world.

You may be surprised by my transparency but I assure it's not to shock anyone. I've often wondered what “choice” I would have made, if my friend, who I drove to the abortion clinic, had share her experience with me. I tried not to think about what had just happened as we drove away from the clinic. Under the circumstances, I told her, it was the best decision for everyone and started to talk about my wedding plans. Oh, how self-centered of me, I pray that someday I can tell her how sorry I am for avoiding her pain and loss.

So, you see, I’m not afraid to being reminded of where I came from or who I once was because it causes me to testify of the Goodness of God. To be afraid would only paralyze me and that would bring delight to the enemy.

Beyond the Choice Promo

2009-04-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

At first it was a thought, how could we at Life Choices Center, get the message out to women who are hurting because of the "choice" they made? To let them know that they aren't alone and that there is hope, beyond the choice. It was then, Karen, (she the support services director), the ladies of “Beyond the Choice” abortion recovery program and myself talked about getting a DVD made. I knew just the person who could help, my husband Danny, he had started the church's video ministry several years ago and in the past did wedding videos. I asked and he said he would help.

Danny, thank you for all the time you put into this project. For being the cameraman, director and editor, I know God was smiling and will bless for your excellent work.

Thank you to all the women who bravely stepped out of the dark and trusted God. May God bless you for sharing your secret sin.

So, my friends, I give all my praise God and present to you…Beyond the Choice

Morning Fog

2009-04-17T04:54:00.000-07:00

James 4:14
How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is
like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.

A few weeks ago we had a tragedy happen here in Binghamton. It even made national news; thirteen families lost their loved ones because of the rage that welled up inside of one man’s heart. Then shooting him self, leaving his family to mourn his death.

Death tried to make an appearance, once again in Binghamton, but this time it came to my home. On Friday night while everyone was sleeping, my husband Dan, got up to try to relieve the pain that had entered his chest. For two hours he convinced himself that the pain he was experiencing was indigestion. To him, a heart attack was out of the question. He was in great shape for a man of 54. He wasn’t overweight and he faithfully went to the gym 6 days a week. His routine consisted of 45 minutes of hard cardio, four times a week and weightlifting every other day, making sure to work each body part. Eating right has always been his way of life, its something he has done from the first day I met him. In fact, on the day we met, he had recently competed in a bodybuilding contest and won in his class. Do you see where I’m going with this? My husband appeared to be in excellent shape.

It was the next morning while we were having our coffee that he started to tell me what had happen, I immediately wanted him to call the doctor but he assured me that he felt fine and would call to make appointment on Monday. For the rest of the day he went about his daily routine and never complained. It wasn’t until 5:00 am on Easter morning that the pain was back and stayed with him until Monday that's when I called to make an appointment with our family doctor. Guess what he told me “Get him to the hospital.”

My husband had a heart attack!

Immediately, he went into surgery to correct the one artery that was completely clogged and another that was 7o% … we still can’t believe it. When speaking with the doctor after the surgery, I said “I can’t believe this has happened because he's in such great shape.” The doctor replied “Yes he is, but this is hereditary.

It’s only been a few days since my husband has been home and he is doing quite well, but I know things are about to change. God has started to rearrange our lives and I’m so excited to see where He will be placing all the pieces in order to glorify Him.

Life is a vapor.
I’m learning to be content in the morning fog, to sit quietly as it surrounds me. Our lives only last a short time here on earth before standing in the very presence of God but until then…I will enjoy the morning fog.

Close to home...Binghamton

2009-04-03T18:24:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I did to make this one big link,but you can click on it to read the article.

The world stopped for many in Binghamton, New York, I've lived in this small city for 21 years and when I was growing up,I was only about 25 minutes away.

At about 10:30 am, a man made the decision to walk into the American Civic Center in downtown Binghamton and opened fire on volunteers and workers. That act of violence killed fourteen and critically wounded four people.

Down the street about a block away, my daughter had her first experience in a lock down at the high school. When I heard that Binghamton High was locked down, I wasn't sure what this all meant except she was there and I was at home. For the first time,I was glad that Sydney had taken her cell phone to school. I have this thing about cell phones going to schools and churches. To me, its not the place to be texting when you should be listening. But today I was glad she had her phone. I might have to do some rethink on that rule, at least for school.

My daughter texted me a little after the first shootings had taken place to tell me she was fine. Later on, after several other messages, she said "and if something happens, I love you." Did I read that right? " "If something happens?!" At that moment my mother's words came back to me "Honey, give me a kiss good-bye because you never know." I'd think "What is she talking about, nothing going to happen." But she was right... you never know.

Everyday we get up and do what we do best...live our lives. Yet again, we see through a tragedy, our lives need to be lived as if this is our last day. We need not worry about the things that might need to be done or what brings us worldly pleasure. We must get up every morning and say "God, I want to do the things that bring You Glory and Praise."

Yesterday, my daughter, called on the name of Jesus. I wonder...How many other did the same?

Yes to God...Chapter 2

2009-04-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to another week to “Yes to God” bible study with Lelia as our host. I’m looking forward to seeing where God will take all of us as we read “An Untroubled Heart” by Micca Campbell.

Highlighted in blue is taken from the book

At the end of chapter two “the fear factor” there’s eight questions presented to build a strong foundation as we dig deeper into God’s Word. All of these questions really do get you thinker going, but for me, it was the simplest question that stood out.

“What fears do you have today?”

Well, let’s see. I fear the aging process. Without ever leaving upstate NY, I can have my very own tropical moment (menopause). Oh, I mustn’t forget the wrinkles, sagging skin, and one day having to wear those adult diapers (you’ve heard what happens when you cough) and will someday have my hair colored every four weeks instead of six because of the graying. I know what your thinking...“Come on Tammy, that’s so superficial, there’s got to be something more fearful then that.” “You’re right, there is, but I don’t like to talk about.”

When I talk about, or even think about what might happen I become fearful. In the last 16 years, I’ve worked hard to build this foundation. Reading the instructions and being so careful to follow every word. From the outside, everything appears to look good. But when I drop my daughter off at school, that’s when fear shows up. Right before my eyes, I see the enemy luring our youth into the world of pleasure. Every week, I meet with young ladies over at the Crisis Pregnancy Center and see the choices they are making. I see how television, magazines and music glamorize sex before marriage. The fear that my daughter will walk down the same road I did…scares me.

I need to stop right here and be honest. I’ve been sitting at my computer for the last hour typing and deleting. Typing and deleting because I’m afraid that I don’t have something clever or profound to say. English class never was one of my a favorite subject. The fear of being judged on my writing ability scares me. Since I’ve started writing on my blog, I've been blessed with new friends, who love the Lord like I do. During my weekly visit to all of your blogs, I’m blown a way as I read your thoughts. Your words flow so beautifully together.

I’m not sure why I’m telling you this but I do feel a lot better now.

I love all of you for taking the time to visit and when I make my rounds, know that I receive wisdom, knowledge and many blessings from reading your thoughts.

In Memory of Lilly

2009-03-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

There are things in my life I love to remember. Like, when my dad would kiss me good-night before he went to bed or my mom’s sweet smile and tender words of encouragement. Remembering can bring a smile to your face or it can bring tears to your eyes. Looking back often takes you to the times when we have seen God's faithfulness.

On March 27, 2009 “Beyond the Choice” abortion recovery program held a memorial service. We offer this service to give women who have gone through the program the opportunity to openly acknowledge and grieve their children.

As I prepared for this special event, it took me back to the day I had finally accepted my abortion as my child. Stepping back and as I gazed at the table, it reminded me of the day that he was called by his name, a day he became a person to the world. There in the center stood a large white candle, symbolizing Jesus Christ, and placed around it were smaller candles representing the children lost to abortion. Off to the right stood a tall glass vase were I had placed three long-stemmed red roses in memory of the children and as a reminder of God’s forgiveness through the blood of Jesus.

Soon everyone had arrived. They took their seats and the room filled with the sound of small talk. I believe it was to hide the feelings that would soon surface. I waited a few minutes to let everyone feel at ease before I walked over to light the candle in the center of the table. The room became silent. We opened in prayer. I thanked them for coming every week to the Bible study and for pressing through the hard stuff but most of all, for trusting God. I ended with this verse:

Psalm 34:5-6,8 (NLT)
5Those who look to him for help will be radiant with
joy; no shadow of shame will darken their
faces. 6In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord
listened; he saved me from all my
troubles.

8 Taste and see that the Lord is
good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge
in him!

Now it was time for each of us who had lost a child through abortion to light a small candle off the larger one. I went first. As I picked up the candle, my emotions came to the surface and I began to wonder: what kind of person would my child have been today? What might his voice have sounded like as he spoke my name or told me that he loved me? The feeling was bittersweet as I whispered his name…Christian Daniel. I then walked over to my chair, sat down, and wiped the tears that were flowing from my eyes.

A few moments later a young woman, who never got to hold her child because of her “right to choose", walked over to the table. She reached down, picked up a small candle, and lit it in memory of her daughter…Lilly. After a few moments of silence, she read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 telling us that these words gave her comfort after her abortion. Her eyes began to tear up as she spoke about how much this study had helped her.
She thanked me for introducing her to Jesus and she said “You’ll never know how much you helped me.” Then her friend, who had called the abortion clinic to make the appointment, went over to the table and lit a candle for Lilly, too. She said that she will always be grateful for the truth that was revealed to her and the forgiveness through Jesus Christ that she had received.

On that day I saw God bless two young ladies, who had been bound by the lies of Satan, and set them free in an instant by sharing their secret. I watched the tears of sorrow and shame become tears of joy. They were set free!

As we said our good-byes and they walked away, I knew they had... tasted the Lord and that He is good.

Yes to God...Chapter 1

2009-03-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

This is the first week of “Yes to God” bible study with Lelia,our host. I’ve missed you guys in the last study and I’m looking forward to seeing where God will take us as we read “An Untroubled Heart” by Micca Campbell.

Highlighted in blue has been taken from the book.

The first chapter caught me off guard. As I started to read Micca’s story about the tragic death of her husband, it took me back to the day that my mom’s bathrobe caught on fire. She was making her morning tea when her sleeve touched the open flame on the stove. By the time she (at 88 years old) could put out the fire 90% of her body was covered with 3 degree burns. She went home to the Lord seven hours later in the hospital with her five daughters standing at her bedside singing "Amazing Grace."

Shortly after her death, I began to question my faith. I remember screaming at God “How could you let this happen to such a faithful servant of yours?” Soon after that tragic event I received my Proverbs 31 magazine, which I read from cover to cover. In the magazine there was a story about a young wife and mother who lost her husband in a fire accident. By the end of the article, I could barely see with my eyes as tears screamed down my face but my heart could clearly see the faithfulness of God.

Micca, if you’re reading this I want to say …Thank you for sharing your story, it gave me hope.

So, my prayer is as I journey through the pages in the upcoming weeks, the statement found on the front cover of the book… finding a faith that is stronger then all my fears, will take root in my heart.

I need help

2009-03-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've been asked to share my views on why I'm pro-life with students of the Women's Wellness class at our University on April 21. During my conversation with the teacher,I mentioned I would be willing to share my story but I had to included my Saviour,Lord Jesus Christ, because my healing came from Him. To my surprise, she didn't have a problem with it. I couldn't believe it! God has completely orchestrated this meeting. This will be the first time that I've share my story with a group outside of the church walls.

So this is where I'm asking for your help. I would like to use power point(part of the time) which I have no clue in how that works but I have a friend helping me in that area. I would like to put in cartoons,images, short video,or whatever else to keep their attention along with statics. Where would I find those things on the web? I will have about hour and 20 mintues in front of the class. This generation is soooo visual.

Any suggestions will greatly be appreciated.

Please pray that my story(God's Story) will not just be heard but will touch their hearts and bring change!

THANKS!!!!

I wonder

2009-03-02T07:07:00.000-08:00

Many years after my abortion, I tried not to wonder what kind of life my child would have experienced…“Why wonder?” It wouldn’t change anything. I looked at my situation as a roadblock and the only way around it was to walk up to the clinic and opened that door. It was on that day, I decided to place myself first. Trusting God? Well, it seemed impossible.

God had spoken truth to me before that day at the kitchen table, I’m sure. But it was that day I became exhausted from running. I had finally stopped searching for the next best place to hide. I was ready to listen. At last I was willing to hold my baby. To see him as a child of God and not just a situation that needed to be dealt with. So there I stood, completely clothed in filthy rags and full of shame. As I placed my child close to my heart I felt the rags fall. It was then the cloth of mercy took its place. The shamefulness poured out of me. It was like a floodgate had been opened to the River of Grace.

I was broken. Jesus took the shame, anger, guilt and bitterness I had carried for years and spoke these words “Now give it to me, don’t pick it up again. Turn around, walk away and live.” I could feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders as I handed Him my burden…once again. But this time it was different. This time I completely trusted Him to take what the enemy meant for evil and use it to His glory! I had finally stopped trying to forgive myself and embraced the forgiveness of Jesus.

For the first time…I could wonder.

I wondered what my relationship would’ve been like with my daughter, if God hadn’t spoken truth into my heart. I wondered what would’ve happened if I had kept on running. How I would be serving Him today? Would I be serving Him today? I needed to wonder. I needed to remember…If I didn’t remember my child, who would?

I Wonder
I wonder… if you would’ve had your father’s eyes.
I wonder… if you would’ve had your mother’s hair.
I wonder… if you would’ve been tall, short, meek or strong.

I wonder, what foods you would’ve liked, what books you would’ve read, what dreams you would’ve accomplished.

I wonder… Christian Daniel

Something Sweet

2009-02-24T07:06:00.000-08:00

Last week Sydney decided she wanted to make cookies. She loves to bake and wants to go to college to become at pastry chef. I asked her if she want my help and she said"NO." So, I went an grabbed the camera.

All the ingredients has been added and mixed together. At this point I did help...a little.
TA da,they are ready to bake.
Boudie and Sadie can smell something good. They are sure hoping that this time they might get lucky. Sorry guys,I don't think so.
Waiting for them to cool. Can you tell who wanted to have the first one?
Sydney informing me that I was only allowed one cookie as we're striking that famous teenager pose.

Our Children Need Us!

2009-02-21T05:15:00.000-08:00

Please join Jan, myself and many others cross this nation between February 28- March 1,2009 in the Red Envelope Campaign. Our voices must be heard on the issue of abortion, our children need us! Please pray and consider sending an red e nvelope to the White House:

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C. 20500

Write the following message on the back of the envelope:: This envelope represents one child who died in abortion. It is empty because that life was unable to offer anything to the world. Responsibility begins with conception.

A Person is a Person no matter...

2009-02-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

I was very impressed with this young lady views on abortion.The tape is about 5 minutes long,so if you got 5 minutes,I know you will be impressed too.

Reconciled

2009-02-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

Start here for the full story.

Before I continue with my testimony about my abortion, I want you to know that it took me many years to be this transparent. I know that not everyone is comfortable or has been lead to reveal their sins so publicly and that’s OK. For years I would beat myself up for being so out-spoken, even my mother would say “If you what to know the truth, just go ask Tammy.”

Like the woman at the well who ran back to the village,the same place that marked her as an outcast, I too want others to know that when we finally embrace the truth, it is only then we can be free from our sins!

The house was quiet on the morning of October 2007. My husband was off to work and like every morning, I had just returned from dropping our daughter off at the bus stop. I grabbed my cup of coffee, my bible and notes that I had been working on for the last couple of weeks. I was preparing my testimony about the abortion for Wednesday night’s youth group at our church. I was now free to share my (our) story with the rest of the world, but I was still struggling with one small piece of my heart. My heart was still feeling empty and distance towards my daughter. Many times, I would hear the voice utter to me “A good mother would desire to have children, to nurture them, not destroy them.” The voice would then scream “You are such a fool, you killed one child in order to live YOUR life and then you turned around and had her.”

So, as I sat there at the kitchen table writing the last scripture into my testimony, I laid my pen down and bowed my head asking God once again “Why can’t I love my daughter?” “Why do I always push her away with the very hands I long to hold her with?” I was tired of asking these questions...why God was taking so long to answer. Didn’t He want me to be close to my daughter? Couldn't He see I was killing her, too?

My mind began to spin, thinking about all the words of anger, hatred and rejection that spewed out of my mouth. Words cutting deep into her soul, these words had started to build a wall between us and if our relationship continued down this path, she would fade away.I began to sob uncontrollably from the pain that was welling up inside of me. Lifting my head off the table, my eyes focused upwards and with a loud shout, I cried out “God, what is wrong with me?” “I know you have forgiven me and in my head I believe it’s true but my heart, it’s empty…why?” I wiped the tears from my face and placed my head on the kitchen table once again, but this time in complete surrender.

Within a few minutes, I felt His presence, call me crazy… but I knew He was there. His voice was so soft, like whisper, as He spoke my name. I lifted my head from the table and responded “What is it, Lord?” Then the words of truth came out of His mouth like a two-edged sword “You can’t love Sydney, until you love your aborted child.”

Why did the truth have to be so raw? I thought God was all about love...saying the truth in love isn’t it what we learn as Christians? I knew He was right, just like the woman at the well; I too, needed the truth spoken to me. I could see His arms reaching towards me and then I saw him, my child. “Go ahead,” God said “Hold him, you need to hold him.” God was speaking directly to my heart, for my heart had never held my baby.

At first I hesitated, if I held him it would mean my child just wasn’t about a bible study for the post-aborted woman or even words of how sorry I was for making this choice. By holding him, placed him next to my heart, a place I skillfully guarded for years. It would be the first time in 16 years I looked into the eyes of Jesus and saw His heart…not mine. He wanted me to love this child…the way He loved him. He wanted me to be free to embrace the life…he would have had. He wanted me to lay the burden of never physically holding him at the foot of the cross…to holding him in my heart.

I must take a moment to catch my breath; it’s a day I will always remember. It's the day I was reconciled back to God.

Are you hungry...yet?

2009-02-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

Luke 15:16-17 (NLT)
The young man became so
hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one
gave him anything. 17 “When he finally came to his senses, he said to
himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I
am dying of hunger!

A couple of weeks ago my son and I met for coffee. I always have the hope that one day, when we visit one another I will hear him say “Mom, I’m sick of this life, I’m ready to let Jesus take over.” But as I sat across from him with the scent of fresh brewed coffee in the air, our conversation was the same…life is unfair.

By the time I left I was heartbroken, once again. I must admit since my last post about this situation, my whining seem to be getting louder. My heart is always questioning God’s timing with…“How much longer before he will see his need for You?” After a few days, God lead me to read about the prodigal son, now I’ve read this many times before but this time I saw the word *senses*. Then this morning He showed me six other words *but no one gave him anything.*

I thought,could there have been people watching as this young man was eyeing the food that was given to the pigs. They must have known he was hungry,yet no one gave him anything. It was only then he remembered...home.

Now as far as being the mom who is always bailing her son out, that I’m not but I use to be. Still its very hard when you see your child struggle, no matter what the age, you just want to do whatever you can to make the pain go away. There are times I feel so guilty and unloving when I hear of his troubles and he knows I can help. But God has showed me, that right now I need to give him nothing that will please the flesh in order for him to come to his senses.

Sounds cruel, doesn’t it?

I've come to the understanding that Ryan needs to be like the prodigal son,who must become so full of himself that in time he will feel completely empty. Until then, Ryan’s senses, which were made to hear, see, taste and touch God’s presence, will be dead. I know its not going to be easy, but nothing is when God has asked you to step out of the way and let Him take over. I believe when the prodigal son left his father's home,the father's heart was broken and there was nothing the father could do but pray.

My heart is broken and I will continue to pray for my son. If this is something your dealing with, I would love to join with you in pray every week for your prodigal child (ren). There is nothing more powerful then a praying parent to bring down the strongholds of the enemy!

Father God,
I pray that You will continue to
protect Ryan until the day he surrenders to You.
May his ears listen for the
whisper of Your voice calling his name.
May his eyes get a glimpse of Your
glory.
May his mouth taste Your sweet promises of a life, that he once tasted
as a child.
May he reach out and touch the tip of You garment for his complete
healing.
And help me to patiently wait for the day of his homecoming.
Amen!

I'm Forgiven

2009-02-03T10:04:00.000-08:00

Start here for the full story.

Forgiveness. It was something I desperately want from my children, yet to afraid to tell them the truth. There was so many times I wanted to reveal my secret sin, but I wasn’t sure if my children would ever forgive me. It’s hard to describe the fear of rejection, I’m sure you’ve all been there one time or another. For me, it was to think "what if" I was to expose my secret, would my children walk away one by one? What if the next time they looked into my eyes they would realize the person they once knew, wasn’t really that person at all.

But they didn’t.

They had questions…I answered. They had ‘what ifs’…we dreamed together.

After revealing my secret to my children, my heart was still troubled. There were still times of uncertainty as a Christian leader and being a volunteer at the pregnancy crisis center. I even

continued in my struggle to reach out to my daughter. Yet ,God constantly reached out to me. He was persistent. He never left me, but directed me to what would later be just another step closer to my secret sin.

My days’ volunteering at the center was causing my heart to be broken, to be filled with compassion. I must confess, at times it seemed hard for me to reach out to women, who just like me, had made the same bad choices. But there I was every week at the center surrounded by the very thing that caused my heart to turn to stone. Week after week I would see the pain and desperation on the faces of the women who came looking for answers. It seemed like every time I was there, I would be asked to do a pregnancy test for someone waiting to find out the answer to her future.

I know now, that God was drawing me to a place of total healing. I knew that it was where God wanted me. I wasn’t there to make a decision for them on what to do next with the information that they had received. But I was there to share the truth, to share my story with these women.

As I got more comfortable revealing my past to the women at the center, God started to nudge me yet again, to share my story, but this time with a larger audience. He wanted me to share with the teens in our youth group at church. It had been sometime since I had visited the youth group because my daughter, on more then one occasion, made it known that it was her time to be an individual but that night I decided to step over the line. I told her that I just wanted to check it out and promised that I wouldn’t humiliate her. At the end of worship,the youth pastor began talking about some of the subjects that would be shared in the upcoming weeks and one of them was on abortion.

Immediately I thought, I know all too well about that subject. Could it be another nudge from God?

Tuesday Testimony

2009-01-27T03:53:00.001-08:00

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us? To get the whole story start here: January 6.
I would like to take you back about 3 years before that September morning.

My husband and I along with our daughter had just finished watching the movie…Tilly(http://www.frankperetti.com/product/261.htm?parentid=1369) you might remember in a earlier post, I had mentioned the audio tape of Tilly.It’s about a woman and her husband who had an abortion in the early years of their marriage. They never spoke about it until something triggered her to start thinking about their child again. It was then she started to experience Post Abortion Syndrome. (http://www.inourmidst.com/reactions_effects.htm#pas)

Many of you might be thinking, why we would be watching this kind of movie with Sydney? I assure you, she only knew that abortion was not the will of God and it meant a life had been ended. This movie is wonderfully done and speaks of the forgiveness of God.

As the movie ended, we all sat there on the couch with tears running down our faces. No one was speaking. The room had now been filled with the sound of silence. It was then,Sydney turned to me and in her soft voice whispered “Mommy, do you know anyone who had an abortion?” After taking a deep breath...I replied “Yes.” Then came the one question I feared the most, once again in her child-like voice she asked “Mommy, did you ever have an abortion?”

At that moment my world stopped. I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted to pretend that I didn’t hear the question that was now piercing my heart. I wanted to lie, yet I had prayed many times for the opportunity to someday tell my children, but not today, I wasn’t ready. I wanted to say “no” and go on with my life. But my life was no longer mine, it belonged to God. I knew in my heart God was opening the door to my secret sin. He was about to take me one step closer to a place called…trust.

Immediately, my throat became dry as fear gripped my heart. I was so full of shame. I remember looking over at my husband, as if to say “Should we tell her?” As soon as his eyes meet mine, I knew the answer. I reached out and place her hand in mine, while all the time praying in my heart that God would give me the words to help her understand. I wasn’t sure if she would ever comprehend why we chose to end our child’s life…but I knew it was time to tell her the truth.

There was someone else who also needed to know the truth and that was my son, from a previous marriage. We had told him at the time of my pregnancy that I had a miscarriage. This lie had been stored in Ryan’s heart for sixteen years. So, God in his sovereignty after two years of revealing the truth to our daughter opened the door to uncover my hidden secret with my son.

Telling my children was far from being easy but the burden of not talking about my other child, their brother, was destroying me and my family. For many years, I feared judgment from my children but what I received was forgiveness.

Like vs. Love

2009-01-24T08:35:00.001-08:00

Many people say they believe in God. Many of us go to church on weekly basics. Some even read their bible, daily. I know this to be true, I was one of them. I had no problem on a Sunday morning walking down the aisle in the sanctuary to find my seat with cheap alcohol on my breath and memories of the night before. I would praise the Lord with raised hands, while all long trying to justify the lifestyle I was living. I will be the first to say, my life in no way glorified God but instead I mocked God.

I liked God but I didn’t love God. I liked the idea that I could call on Him for help. Knowing about Him always interested me, but to give up MY happiness?

We can only have one true love in our life. It’s a love that will take over every other emotion; it’s a love that will cause you to deny the world of all its pleasures.This love will not share space with any lifestyle of sin.

I thanked God for this Love that now consumes me.

I John 2:15 ( Amplified
Bible)
Do not love or cherish the world or the things that are in the
world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in
him.

Tuesday Testimony

2009-01-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

Today is Transparent Tuesday over at Tracy’s Transparent Life, where telling your testimony could help change someone’s life. I’m sure God has done something amazing in your life, so won’t you come and join us?
Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here: January 6.

Trusting God is not easy for us humans especially when we think we have all the answers. So, why would I trust Him now, maybe because my life wasn't going so well? I was tired of being against my husband instead of being for him. I hated the depression that had invaded my life. I became exhausted wandering into the night life looking for love in all the wrong places. I so desperately wanted to be that "mommy" who sat on the park bench and enjoyed the laughter of her little girl. Yes, I was ready to give in,to trusting God.

It started out slow. First it was submitting to His will and not mine, to love my husband the way God loved him, unconditionally. It wasn't easy but that’s were trusting God comes in, to show us that the impossible is possible. Little by little things began to change. My mind was being renewed and my life was transforming. I was now starting to live the life that He had planned for me, the plan that He had set in place before my very first breath. But I still had one small corner of my heart that I didn't want anyone to see, not even God. I feared judgment. In my mind, I believed that if I kept my "choice" at a distance and hidden, I would avoid the memories of that rainy day on November 12, 1989.

I thought I had dealt with my abortion. I had gone through all the steps of the Forgive and Set Free bible study. Week after week I turned the pages that revealed truth to me. Yet, my actions and words of anger that came out of my mouth towards my daughter was still there. Why?

There were times when we would talk for hours about God, school, girlfriends and even boys. She would share with me her everyday struggles, her dreams and fears. On those special days love would fill the air and I would say to myself "today I will be the mommy she needs for the rest of her life." It was those moments that made the rest of our relationship so confusing. Confusing? Because in my heart I felt hatred, please forgive me for using such a strong word and for what I'm about to share with you but I need to be totally honest.

It was a September morning in 2006. My daughter who like must teenage girls was having a "moment." It always seemed that our mornings would end in an argument because of one thing or another. But this day turned out to be one of our darkest moments. Our arguing had ended in a shouting match. We said some awful things to one another and I was determined to break her. I remember watching her as she stepped up into the bus with her eyes looking at the floor and tears rolling down her face. As soon as the bus pulled away, this feeling of victory came over me. I said to myself "I'm glad she's hurting." I had put her in her place. It’s a place were I wouldn't be able to hold her, to love her and in time a place were she would forget that I was ever her mother.

Walking back to the car feelings of guilt, shame and condemnation came over me. I slipped behind the wheel and in my head I heard “shame on you." I began to cry uncontrollably. As I was driving home I could feel this spirit of darkness sitting next to me, waiting for just the right moment to devour me. I had been there before; I knew what it felt like to be depressed. I cried "God, please help me, I don't want to go back there again.” As I was trying to catch my next breath, I was sure that this time God wouldn't hear my cry.

The phone started to ring as I opened the front door and when I answered it, my friend, Dorothy was on the other end. She said "God pressed on my heart to give you a call, are you ok?" I thought to myself, “He heard me.” Here I was someone who was so undeserving yet God continued to love and woo me.
That day I spent reading God's Word. I was searching for answers to my feeling of hatred. My prayer to God was "Help me understand, I don't want to go back to that dark pit."

My daughter was a gifted from God and being her mom meant that loving her was to come natural...but I didn't know how.

One Life at a Time

2009-01-17T11:12:00.001-08:00

Churches, crisis pregnancy centers and many others across this nation will be celebrating the Sanctity of Human Life on January 18, 2009. At our local CPC, we have sent out hundreds of invitations to let our community know about our open house tomorrow afternoon. Our mission is to let people get a look at what we do and share from our hearts on way we do it.

So, I’m starting a day earlier on why the Sanctity of Human Life is important to me. It wasn’t always that way, but the day came when I stopped running from God and run to God. It was then He changed my heart and took my abortion to help save lives.

And we know that all things work together for good
to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
(Romans 8:28 NKJ)

Shannon, who was a client of mine and now friend, has given me permission to share a few of her thoughts during an interview I once did with her about her pregnancy before and after the birth of her son:

“After a while, you kind of go blank, and you don’t even care how many abortions you had. I came to Life Choices Center to get a pregnancy test; I told them I was going to get an abortion.”

“My mentor had also been down that road. That helped me to relax. It made me realize that living with all that guilt and shame, I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to be embarrassed anymore about my abortions. Somehow God talked though her. I went home and told my boyfriend I’m keeping this baby. There are women who will help us.”

“Life is good, now. It’s really good. He’s not a burden like I thought he would be. Everyone loves him and I thank God every day for him. I really do.”

For the last two years I have watched Shannon’s life become grounded in the Word of God. She attends church regularly, is starting college in about a week and is always reminding me how glad she is that she decided to have her son.

On January 10, 2009, I had the honor of attending a very special birthday party for a little boy who was turning 1, her son Gabriel.

Happy Birthday, Gabriel

Me, Gabriel and Mom (Shannon)

Tuesday Testimony

2009-01-13T07:56:00.001-08:00

Many of you have read my story (God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation. To get the whole story start here: January 6.

To look at Sydney, you would have seen a healthy little girl who always had a smile on her face. How could you not love her? That question was constantly in my head and on heart.

I will never forget the Friday morning on my way to work when Focus on the Family was playing an audio tape of the story “Tilly” by Frank Perretti. It’s a very touching story of a mother who made the same decision as I had. But after 9 years of running from her secret, it was time for her to be made well. I remember pulling in to the parking lot at my place of work, sobbing as I listened to the end of the story. Could my story have the same beautiful ending as hers?

On Sunday morning as I walked into church I was greeted by a woman who handed me a flyer. It was an invitation to join a bible study called Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane, which helps women deal with their past abortion(s). After reading what I had just been handed, I tried to rationalize my reason for the abortion and why this class wasn’t for me. But throughout the entire service, God wouldn’t leave me alone. As I left sanctuary at the end of the service, I found myself slowly walking toward the table where I would find the sign-up sheet for the bible study. I remember staring at it and thinking, “but everyone will see my name.” I then, picked up the pen to begin my journey.

The study took about 12 weeks and at the end I did feel better. My relationships were being mended and I started to feel closer to my daughter.But I still had that "secret sin" hidden in my heart. I had told my best friend the truth but everyone else thought I had a miscarriage. Day by day things started getting tougher again. The hate and anger started to seep back into my heart and I didn't know why. I tried so hard to love my daughter, but I couldn’t. It’s hard for some people to understand, how anyone could feel that way? How could someone who calls themselves a "Christian" hold on to so much anger and say awful things about their own child. Believe me, I didn't understand but I so desperately wanted too.

It had been about two years since my bible study when my life started spinning out of control. It was then my husband and I decided to give our marriage one last chance to live out the forever after statement. We had previously been to about 4 or 5 worldly counselors and they were just as mixed-up as we were.

So, when someone suggested that we ought to meet with their pastor, we agreed. We figured, what would we have to lose? If anyone was to have the answers to why this marriage wasn't working, he should and if he didn't, this marriage was over.During our meeting with the pastor, God spoke to my heart to trust Him and if I was willing to do that, He would do the rest. I have to be honest I was scared, in my mind the big "what ifs" were floating around. Let's face it; I hadn't trusted Him up to this point in my life, why such I start now?

If you were to look at my history, you would see that I had one failed marriage, another one about to fail, a son who was acting out his anger, alcohol, drugs, adultery and oh, don't forget the secret...my abortion.

Could it be... I’ve never trusted Him?

Choose Life!

2009-01-10T05:24:00.000-08:00

You will live by your sword, and you will serve your
brother.
But when you decide to break free, you will shake his yoke
from your neck. (Genesis 27:40)

Esau‘s father could hear the bitterness, the anger and even hatred that had taken hold of his son’s life.

Like must parents, who are concerned with their children's future, Isaac was warning him of the danger to such emotions. Esau's life would become a prison, if he was to hold on to the unforgiveness that was rooted in his heart.

Someday, Esau would have to “decide” if he was going to break free from the yoke that was placed around his neck because of the unforgiveness towards his brother, Jacob.

One thing keeps coming up through studying God’s Word and that is “it’s our choice.” It’s our choice to live a life of fullness in the Presence of God or to hide in the darkness of the enemy.

What is your choice?

I choose Life!

Tuesday Testimony- January 6, 2009

2009-01-06T06:23:00.000-08:00

Life is one of the most precious gifts given to man. So, on January 18th we will be reminded of that wonderful gift... the Sanctity of Human Life. On that day, I can now sit in the pew with no more feelings of shame and guilt; for God has restored me with peace because I no longer hide in my sin.
For years I lived under satan's thumb and gave him the victory over my life. But no more will I be silent! We may never see abortions come to an end in this country but I know that God can use my story(His story) to help others find forgiveness and live a life of freedom.

So,I've decided to join in on sharing my testimony over at Tracy's Transparent Life. Many of you have read my story(God's Story) but for those of you that might be new, please read without judgment or condemnation.

About a two years ago, I was asked to be the program coordinator for the abortion recovery at our local CPC. Now, if you had told me that was where God would have me serving, I would have told you point blank, "you’re crazy." I never thought I would ever be helping other women in revealing their "secret sin." I know what it’s like going through life thinking you can live with this secret... he would have been 20 in July.

I can still remember the day I walked into the abortion clinic, asking God to forgive me, but believing that this was the only answer. No, I wasn't a desperate teenager with my whole life ahead of me, not a college student, not even a single mom or a married woman who had an affair. I was married and it was my husband’s baby, but the timing wasn't right for us and our marriage was rocky. I won't touch on every detail that happened inside that clinic, but when I walked out, my life was different. At the time, I couldn't put my finger on it. I just knew that I had left a piece of me behind.

For the next 10 years, life was a blur and I had unexplainable feelings of anger. It didn't make sense, though; I was a Christian who was somewhat involved in the church. I was still married, and about two years after the abortion we had a beautiful little girl.

After Sydney was born I told myself, "I'm going to be the best Mom in the world" and for awhile I was. But then something happened along the way. There were days that I couldn't get enough of Sydney and other days,I didn't even want to hold her. I became more and more withdrawn. Then there was this voice, in my head, reminding me of that dark November day back in 1989. Over and over again,it would say "You killed your other child and then you went and had another one, you fool."

"Kill" is such a strong word and to hear it just made me feel that I could never be the Mom that my daughter needed. What I didn't know back then, is that the enemy will do or say anything to make us feel ashamed and worthless.My life was sinking into the depths of despair, but I continued to pray, hoping to get some answers to my questions. Questions like... "Why can't I be like the other mothers? Why does she seem to hate me? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get close to her?"

My heart was breaking. All I really wanted was to love my own daughter.

(I will continue with my testimony next Tuesday)

Rooted Deep

2009-01-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

Psalm 37:7 Be still in the presence of the
Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act. (NLT)

My sweet friend, Lisa asked "What is your ancohor verse for 2009?" What a great question, which was asked by her friend, Elaine.

So, I've asked the Lord for my anchor verse. Now, I have never done this before, I mean, to have one verse that I would meditate on for this entire year, it’s new to me. But sure enough…ask and you shall receive.

Yesterday as I was visiting my local Christian bookstore, I went over to the area were all the pictures are displayed, which I very seldom do. I began to read the verses that were under each of the pictures and I noticed there was one verse in particular that stood out…Psalm 37:7.

As my eyes continued to scan the pictures, I saw this same verse three more times and that when I knew this was my anchor verse. I remembered several months ago, coming across this same verse and like a good bible student; I meditated on it for a short time and then moved on.

But yesterday, God made it clear to me that this verse was to take root in my heart and I was to wait eagerly for an answer.

That's when I started thinking, was my time with the Lord becoming like the pharaohs? Was I,like them reading the scriptures,quoting the scriptures,and even acting out the scriptures... but to believe the scriptures?

Yes, the pharaohs knew the Word but the Word hadn’t taken root in their hearts.

Was I being lured away from God’s promises? Was I looking at the circumstances, instead of believing in the promises?

Father God,
I must confess that I’ve desired to take a hold of situations that are out of my control. My life in these last few months has appeared to be “all together.” An attitude of “I know God is in control” but my heart has a mind-set of unbelief.

God, forgive me.

Lord, I want your Word to deeply root itself in my heart. To know when days of doubt come…to be still and know you are God! Amen

God, Thank you!

2009-01-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

I felt it, as it embraced me. I saw it, as it looked into my eyes. I heard it, as it spoke these words with a tight hug…"Mom, I love you so much."

Last night as my daughter and I were standing in the bathroom, doing what girls do before bedtime…forgiveness showed up. It was quite unexpected. But that’s just how our Father God is; He’s always giving us sweet little surprises,touches of joy to remind us of His goodness.

Many of you, who have read my story (God’s Story) of the secret sin that I carried, know the struggles I had in my relationship with Sydney. There were many nights during that season of my life that I would cry out to God for understanding and forgiveness.

I was so ashamed of the words that were spoken from my mouth towards her. Many times she would grab my hand, as little girls do, only to feel her mommy’s hand pulling back with angry words that followed. Thoughts would race through my head of ways I could escape from these emotions that I knew weren’t pleasing to God.

But God is faithful in His Word. He tells us many times, that if we seek His face and confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us. Throughout this dark time, I never stopped seeking God, I just didn’t believe.

To believe, would reveal He had forgiven me of the choice I made on November 12, 1989, the choice to have an abortion. To believe would mean that He wanted me to enjoy this gift I was given, my daughter.
It was when I no longer stood in front of my Father with a rebellious heart that I came to understand. Our hands can be clean, as we reach towards His throne and our words can be sweet as we give honor to our Creator, but if our hearts are rebellious in receiving God’s forgiveness…all hope is lost.

So, last night was a gentle kiss from my Father God to show me of the hope that I once couldn’t see and it was now embracing me…my daughter’s forgiveness.

Psalm 32:1-2

Oh, what joy for
those whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of
sight!
Yes, what joy for those whose record
the Lord has cleared of
guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete
honesty!